Ken Ham Responds With the “Ark Option”

Ken Ham Responds With the “Ark Option”

Williamstown, KY – Not to be left out in the midst of the plethora of reviews and alternative options to Rod Dreher’s The Benedict Option, Ken Ham has offered his own proposal.  He calls it the “Ark Option.”

“In this society which has departed from God’s literal Word to embrace evolutionary theory and an old earth, young earth Christians will form communities in each state around an Ark,” explained Ham.  “Not only is society falling to the falsehood of evolution, but the churches are too.  In this time of crisis, we need to form Noahite communities to preserve us under the waves of the Darwinian flood.”

Utilizing public funds resulting in little economic impact for communities, Christians will live intentional lives together filled with work and order first building the ark and then tending to animals on the ark.  Inspired by the recent plan to resurrect woolly mammoths, dinosaurs will be recreated to have two of each kind.  For entertainment, community members will participate in prediluvian gladiatorial battles with dinosaurs to truly live out the biblical world.

Ham said, “We have given up trying to influence the scientific empire.  Instead, we will stick to communities with dinosaurs.”

The Ark Communities hope to attract a more diverse community, because 6-year-old boys are the only ones yet to respond.


Photo Credit: Largeguy1 Flickr via Compfight cc

“A Day Without a Woman” Becomes National Holiday When Men Identify as Women

“A Day Without a Woman” Becomes National Holiday When Men Identify as Women

On March 8th women celebrated International Women’s Day with rallies and A Day Without a Woman.  This meant women stayed home from jobs, sometimes with employer permission, resulting in school closings in some locations.  To further demonstrate the economic value of women, women were supposed to abstain from shopping.

Unforeseen to organizers of this event, and the previous Women’s March, men were also attracted to the idea of not working.  Bob Farrar of Raleigh, NC explained, “I wanted to stay home from work too.  What’s better than a vacation day? Not shopping on a vacation day!”

When Farrar explained to his supervisor he was observing the day, his supervisor baulked.  “The Fire Chief wasn’t going to let me off, but I explained I was a woman,” said Farrar.  “The Chief immediately said, ‘Oh, ok then, you can gladly take the day.  I’m sure nothing will burn down.’”

Due to similar scenarios occurring all around the country, and no way to deny the identification of men based on biology, the government has designated March 8th, Human Day.  (Men refer to it as Father’s Day II.)

Immediately following the announcement, PETA protested the day as speciesism.  Next year squirrels are expecting a leisurely day not foraging for food.


 

Photo Credit: Edhat_SB Flickr via Compfight cc

Stone-Campbell Journal Conference Scandalizes New Testament Christians

Stone-Campbell Journal Conference Scandalizes New Testament Christians

Knoxville, TN — Mass hysteria and riots have broken out in Bible Colleges across the country, lead by a large contingency of scholars and preachers of the Stone-Campbell Movement. In acts of protest, students have been ripping out the Old Testament pages from their Bibles and burning them, creating huge bonfires. On each campus, Koine Greek graffiti continues to spread at an alarming rate. Chants of “I am a New Testament Christian” can be heard everywhere. What could have caused such a response at these schools? The major source of ire of these protests has been identified as the upcoming Stone-Campbell Journal Conference.

Several years ago the conference was organized around the theme of the Septuagint, and this year the focus has turned to the Hebrew Bible. Many groups are furious that a second year’s conference is focusing on the Old Testament—again. Responses have varied. A group of church historians, the Alexandrians, are in an uproar over the focus on what they deem to be an inconsequential part of the Bible. Pacifists have been protesting on Twitter with the hashtags #Resist #Pray4SCJC & #NotMyConference. The Old Paths have responded by organizing a counter-conference within the conference proceedings; the parallel sessions have been filled with sermons focused on the New Covenant, where the Old Testament is only to be used as illustration material and never a main text. The Open Theists, in imitation of Abraham, are petitioning God to find good organizers of this year’s conference so that it can be saved from destruction.

We asked multiple Old Testament scholars that registered for the conference what they thought of the heated situation. All three of them will deliver the same speech they give every year to their governing boards on how the Old Testament should still be taught at their schools.

By Alexander Foster McGarvey

Johnson University Dedicates New Bathrooms to Robert W. Funk

Johnson University Dedicates New Bathrooms to Robert W. Funk

Knoxville, TN — Robert W. Funk, famous member of the Jesus Seminar, is being honored at his undergraduate school—Johnson University—12 years after his death. Within the Russell Preaching Center, dedicated to retired megachurch preacher Bob Russell, renovation and a dedication are happening to the building’s bathrooms. Soon to be revealed is a plaque that renames the bathrooms after Funk, along with exquisite mosaics of Jesus pictured as a king. These mosaics are made up of red, pink, gray, and black stones—a tip of the hat to the Jesus Seminar’s use of these colored beads to indicate the degree of authenticity of Jesus’ words in the Gospels. Further, when the lights are dimmed, these mosaics change to pictures of a fox.

But why has Johnson University taken so long to honor their most famous student? Vice President of operations, Joe Shmoe, told us: “We at Johnson have a brand built upon a conservative Stone-Campbell Movement stance. We always avoided Funk’s name being associated with the school for fear of it poisoning our reputation with a scholar that doubted that Jesus existed. But now, since we got rid of the cows and need to reassure the donors of our stance, we are going to take a big crap on his name. Over and over.”

In light of these plans, the philosophy department of Lincoln Christian University is in the process of installing and dedicating a scarecrow in honor of John W. Loftus among the landscaping so that students majoring in apologetics have a straw man to debate with on sunny days.

By Alexander Foster McGarvey

Liberal Man Really Loves Leviticus Now

Liberal Man Really Loves Leviticus Now

Seattle, WA — Liberals didn’t believe that Donald Trump would Make America Great Again, and they still don’t.  But, for at least some, President Trump has made Leviticus great again.

Trump breathed new life into Leviticus for Mark Jones, a member of the United Church of Christ and a Clinton supporter. One of his conservative, Christian, co-workers says, “I would quote Leviticus on homosexuality when we debated gay marriage.  He would always respond that Leviticus was not written by Moses, it’s just reflection of man’s search for God and not inspired, and it only applied to the culture of Israel, not to us in the 21st century.  But, lately, Mark has been quoting Leviticus.”

Jones was searching for biblical passages to respond to Trump’s “Muslim ban,” and he found it in Leviticus:  “There are passages about caring for foreigners.  I have been citing them and other Old Testament passages to Christian Facebook friends that support the ban.  I really love it when God’s Word speaks the political issues of our time.”

While researching the refugee issue, Jones was amazed at other passages that really speak to his personal beliefs:  “Leviticus 19 affirms my views on uncooked meat, marred beards, and painful tattoos.”

Jones has also been showing others how Jesus was a refugee when his family fled to Egypt.  He has yet to explain how he reconciles this with his previous position that Matthew and Luke fabricated the birth narratives, and the Egypt trip was simply to make Jesus look like a new Moses.

Under his leadership, Jones’s small group will be switching from weekly discussion of John Pavlovitz’s blog to the Historical Books of the Old Testament to learn the dangers of requesting a king.


Photo Credit: bwdenman Flickr via Compfight cc

The Rampaging Restorer – Vol. 1/No. 1

The Rampaging Restorer – Vol. 1/No. 1

GREETINGS, PUNY RESTORATION MOVEMENT HUMANS! WELCOME TO THE FIRST ISSUE OF THE RAMPAGING RESTORER. HERE, THE RESTORATION HULK ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS, REVIEWS ARTICLES, ASKS YOU A QUESTION AT THE END, AND MORE! BUT FIRST, WE KICK OFF WITH RESTORATION HULK’S BIBLE VERSE OF THE ISSUE:

Deuteronomy 12:3 “You shall tear down their altars and smash their sacred pillars and burn their Asherim with fire, and you shall cut down the engraved images of their gods and obliterate their name from that place.” (NASB)

NOW IT’S TIME TO SMASH!

Hulk Answers Your Questions

Q from Jonathan: Were there even Christians before the RM?

A: THERE WERE CHRISTIANS BEFORE THE RM! BUT THEN THE CHURCH WENT INTO THE WILDERNESS! READ RM MAP OF DENOMINATIONS. YOU WILL C

Q from Barry: What happened to true altar calls? Raise your hands and you’re saved….

A: HULK FOUND THEM ALL AND SMASHED THEIR HANDS! CASTS ONLY COME OFF AFTER IMMERSION!

Q from Paul: What does RH think of my job of church planting missions churches?
A: DO U SMASH OTHER CHURCHES? GOD ONLY HAVE 1 MISSION!

Q from Eric: What should a person do if they go to a church where the staff does not listen to Christian music extensively?

A: SMASH CDS/LPS/TAPES! INSTALL RESTORATION HULK SOFTWARE! ONLY ALLOWS ORGAN HYMNS! TEACH LESSON! REDUCE PAY! CONTINUE INQUISITION!

Q from Dustin: Hi Hulk, I’m looking for a good systematic theology book to read. Do you have any good suggestions?

A: ONLY READ PRESUPPOSITIONLESS EXEGESIS! SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY ON BANNED BOOK LIST! AFTER YOU READ ALL BIBLE, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO READ CHRISTIAN SYSTEM!

Q from Martin: Hey Hulk, what do you think of the historic Christian creeds and confessions?

A: CREEDS & CONFESSIONS ONLY OPINIONS THAT DIVIDE! NOT INSPIRED! NOT THUS SAITH THE LORD! NO HELP OBEY! BIBLE ALL WE NEED! SMASH THEM!

Q from Paul: What do you think of the doctrine of the trinity?

A: TRINITY NOT IN BIBLE! USE BIBLE WORDS 4 BIBLE THINGS! BUT HULK ORTHODOX! PRAYS 2 FATHER THRU SPIRIT IN JESUS NAME! MT3&28;ROM5;1Pet1!

Hulk’s Restoration Movement Reviews

“Lost in Translation” by Jim Tune.
http://christianstandard.com/2017/02/lost-in-translation/

MOSES LARD WOULD SMASH YOU! THAT NOT HOW RESTORATION HULK READ BIBLE! HOLY SPIRIT SPEAK TO HULK WHEN HE READ! NO INTERPRET!

“Letter From a Skeptic” by Anonymous.

https://t.co/6JDWv9npVL

PUNY AGNOSTIC! RESTORATION HULK NEVER DOUBT! ONLY BELIEVE BIBLE! HULK SMASH SKEPTICS FOR JESUS!

“Our Compelling Story” by Jim Tune.

https://t.co/O2jD2143pc

HULK SAY NO! WE ARE IN WAR! WORLD WAR RESTORATION HULK! ATTACK FRONT LINES LIKE LEADERS WHO VOTED 4 TRUMP!

Hulk’s Question for You:

SHOULD RESTORATION HULK WORSHIP WITH OR WITHOUT INSTRUMENTS? WHO SHOULD HULK SMASH?

Do you know something that needs smashing, an article in need of review, a question for the Restoration Hulk, an answer to Hulk’s question, or even a cool sketch? Please write to @RestorationHULK on Twitter or www.facebook.com/RestorationHULK

 

Fact Check: Did LifeWay Bookstores Remove Bibles?

Fact Check: Did LifeWay Bookstores Remove Bibles?

Nashville, TN – Due to recent worries about fake news, The Bald Prophet has decided to offer a service called “The Nope Fact Checker.”  The Babylon Bee’s recent headline stated, “LifeWay Pulls All Bibles Due To Graphic Content.”  The story is misleading (receiving a score of 2 out of 4 Nopes), since the publication is a promoter of fake and biased news with direct ties to the Russian government.  This is the true story.

As reported by the Washington Post, LifeWay Bookstores pulled Sho Baraka’s new album from its shelves due to complaints related to content.  In one of the tracks, the artist used the word “penis.”

As previously reported by The Bald Prophet, Amy Grant suffered a similar fate when the organization decided not to carry her Christmas album.  The leaked criteria revealed many ways to cross the organization unless you were a famous, country artist.

Not wanting to further enrage customers after the “penis incident,” LifeWay conducted a full review of its products.  “Our review lead us to remove all audio Bibles from our stock,” explained a spokesperson.  “Have you ever heard Ezekiel 23:20 read aloud?  The ESV uses ‘members,’ and the NIV uses ‘gentials.’  It’s really unsettling to hear James Earl Jones or Andy Griffith say those things.  We had to remove these Bibles from our shelves to protect patrons’ ears.”

When asked why no one had realized this before, LifeWay explained, “We guess no one had ever listened to those products before.”


Photo Credit: christianworldviewbooks Flickr via Compfight cc