Tim Tebow Converts to the Restoration Movement

Tim Tebow Converts to the Restoration Movement

Port St. Lucie, FL — Ex-NFL quarterback and current minor league baseball player Tim Tebow recently announced to the world that he has converted to the Restoration Movement, a group of Christian Churches with roots in the early 19th century. After recording his first hit during a spring training game against the Miami Marlins, Tebow wrote “Acts 2:38” under his eyes instead of his famous usage of John 3:16 while a quarterback at the University of Florida. Sportscasters were confused when they saw 238 under his eyes, suggesting “on air” that Tebow was predicting his batting average in AA league this year.

During the post-game interview, reporters flocked to ask about the hit and why he had written Acts 2:38 under his eyes. Tebow attributed his ability to hit the baseball to his recent confession of faith in Christ and his immersion in the waters of baptism in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. In the crowded locker room, a player shouted, “How can we be saved?” With an inspiring sermon, Tebow told everyone in the audience to repent and be baptized for the forgiveness of their sins and the gift of the Holy Spirit. Further, he pointed out that he now renounced his past non-Christian life and use of John 3:16—“For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life.” He finished his sermon, saying that “Because it is only one part of Walter Scott’s five-finger exercise, John 3:16 has led many people to Hell. I’m ready to make Acts 2:38 the new John 3:16.” Immediately afterwards, everyone was baptized in the facilities’ ice baths, live on EPSN.

By John the Immerser

 

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Players from Cubs Last World Champs Team Registered to Vote in Chicago

Players from Cubs Last World Champs Team Registered to Vote in Chicago

Chicago, IL — In a remarkable display of patriotism, 6 players from the 1908 World Champion Chicago Cubs are registered to vote in Chicago for this year’s presidential election. This was discovered during a routine audit of registered voters by the Board of Election Commissioners for the City of Chicago.

“It was really an accident that we even noticed that these guys are voting,” noted Marisel A. Hernandez, Chairwoman of the board. “If it wasn’t for one of our dedicated volunteers who is a huge Cubs fan, we wouldn’t even have noticed. We’re so honored that these Cubs heroes are still participating in the democratic process. They are setting a great example for the rest of the city.”

The most prominent name among the players expected to vote is Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown, who won 20 or more games 6 times from 1904-1912. The other registered teammates include player/manager Frank Chance, Johnny Evers, and Joe Tinker. When asked to comment, Tinker’s great-great-great-great grandson Jeremy Roberts said, “I’m so proud of my great-great-great grandpa. Chicago is so crazy about baseball right now that he is using his influence to make a difference. What could be more Chicago than that?”

The Bald Prophet reached out to the former players for their thoughts on this important election. However, none were available for comment.

By Dustin Fulton


Photo credit:  [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Cubs and Indians make the World Series; Hagee Rushes Prophetic Book to Press

Cubs and Indians make the World Series; Hagee Rushes Prophetic Book to Press

San Antonio, TX — With the Cubs making the World Series for the first time since 1945, and the Indians trying to win their first championship since 1948, there has been a lot of joking around about Hell freezing over. However, one prominent pastor says the prophetic signs seen in this year’s fall classic are no laughing matter.

For years, John Hagee, Founding Pastor of Cornerstone Church in San Antonio has published self-proclaimed prophetic books such as Four Blood Moons and Jerusalem Countdown,  claiming to see the Bible’s prophecies coming to life in current events. While most of his books focus on middle eastern places like Jerusalem, Iraq, and Iran, he hasn’t shied away from seeing America in the biblical text. Now he’s taking it to a new level.

His latest book, The Goat Moon is taken from Hagee’s interpretation of Revelation 6:12-13, which reads, “I watched as he opened the sixth seal. There was a great earthquake. The sun turned black like sackcloth made of goat hair, the whole moon turned blood red, 13 and the stars in the sky fell to earth, as figs drop from a fig tree when shaken by a strong wind.” Hagee’s response: “We know of the Cubs legendary curse of the goat. Well, the Cubs clinched the NL Central on September 15, and on September 16 there was a blood moon! You can’t make this up! It’s right there in the Bible!” Later he noted, “Don’t forget about the strong wind in the passage either. That’s clearly the wind change that takes place in the fall at Wrigley where the wind starts blowing in from Lake Michigan, making it a pitcher friendly park. And the Cubs pitching staff is loaded!”

While Christian publishing giant Zondervan originally considered publishing The Goat Moon, they decided to only release it as an e-book. A source from within the company, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said, “Generally Hagee’s books have a shelf life of 2-3 years before all of the prophecies fail and the book becomes completely irrelevant. However, in this case, the World Series ends in about 10 days. We had to make this one an e-book before it was worthless. Our window for making money is very small on this one.”

When asked for his World Series pick, Hagee didn’t waste a second. “Any nitwit can see its going to be the Cubs. Right there in Revelation 22 it says ‘There shall be no more curse.’ The Indians woes have always been considered a drought, not a curse.”

By Dustin Fulton


Christians United for Israel [Attribution], via Wikimedia Commons

Man Single-Handedly Raises Nation’s Health by Sharing Runs on Social Media

Man Single-Handedly Raises Nation’s Health by Sharing Runs on Social Media

Virginia Beach, VA – Today the Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murphy, announced that the nation’s health has increased dramatically in the past two years.  “Heart attacks, strokes, depression, and the use of statins and blood pressure medication are all down,” explained Dr. Murphy.  “It took us a while to find the cause, since there were no statistical changes in eating habits, but we isolated one source.”

That source is Martin Reed.  Reed is an avid runner who posts every run from his running app on Facebook with an added sweaty selfie showing his short shorts or tights, depending on the season.  He started a movement.  All of his friends were inspired by the runs and began running and posting their runs to social media.  Running spread exponentially.

Charles, one of Reed’s friends, said, “After I saw his runs every day in my feed, I was convicted to subscribe to Runner’s World, get evaluated for some Brooks shoes, and get out there.  The posts weren’t annoying at all.  I actually hate running and soccer.  The nipple chafing is rough, but the power of social media overwhelmed me.”


Photo Credit: 4chionmarketing Flickr via Compfight cc

Restoration Herald Sends Streaker to Protest CCU’s First Football Game

Restoration Herald Sends Streaker to Protest CCU’s First Football Game

In a move straight out of a prophet’s playbook, supporters of the Restoration Herald (RH) sent a male streaker to disrupt Cincinnati Christian University’s inaugural football game against Union. The streaker, with ‘Strip CCU of Football’ painted across his chest, ran across the field early in the second quarter. RH members immediately took to print to claim responsibility for the incident. Their response is expected to hit mailboxes by next Tuesday.

In a twist of irony, the streaker distracted Union’s defense, allowing CCU’s running back Joe McKerns to score the school’s first ever touchdown. In an interview at halftime, McKerns said, “It all was happening behind us, so we didn’t even know about it until we were celebrating the touchdown. But hey, we didn’t even think we’d score today, so we’ll take it any way we can get it.”

When videos of the incident that were posted on Twitter by CCU students went viral, ESPN shared the post and is expected to share it on tonight’s edition of Sports Center. A source close to ESPN also mentioned that executives with the network were considering using a photo of the incident for its popular “ESPN The Body” issue, further cementing CCU’s reputation as an upper tier party school.

By Dustin Fulton


 

Photo Credit: Anz-i via Compfight cc

Hagee Declares Olympic Cupping Marks to be the Mark of the Beast

Hagee Declares Olympic Cupping Marks to be the Mark of the Beast

While millions of Americans wondered what the mysterious circles on the shoulders of Olympic athletes were, Pastor John Hagee had no doubts. “It’s the Mark of the Beast right there before our eyes, and we don’t even see it,” declared Hagee in his Sunday sermon at San Antonio’s Cornerstone Church. “I had my doubts at first, but then I counted the number of circles on Michael Phelp’s back, and sure enough there were 6 of them. Then I remembered that Phelps has 18 gold medals, and 6 plus 6 plus 6 equals 18! It’s biblical prophecy right before our eyes!” It should be noted that Phelps won his 19th gold medal on Sunday evening, just hours after Hagee’s prophecy.

Hagee, who has authored several self-proclaimed prophetic books such as Jerusalem Countdown and Four Blood Moons, previously declared that the PositiveID implantable microchip (previously known as VeriChip) was the infamous mark and that government programs such as Obamacare would help usher in this tracking device. This came after Hagee noted on the Glen Beck show that on the day following then Illinois Senator Barack Obama’s 2008 Presidential Election victory, the Illinois State Lottery’s winning Pick 3 numbers were 6-6-6.

While cupping techniques can be traced back thousands of years in Chinese, Egyptian, and Grecian cultures, end times theorists are a bit hesitant to defend the procedure after Hagee’s comments. Jerry B. Jenkins, co-author of the best selling Left Behind novels, stated, “While I haven’t looked into Hagee’s comments yet, I would be pretty wary of cupping. I’d put it in the same category as yoga. It seems innocent at first, but before you know it, you’ve gone and missed the Rapture all together.”

By Dustin Fulton


 

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Zika Mistakenly Introduced as Olympic Nation

Zika Mistakenly Introduced as Olympic Nation

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil — The celebration for the representatives from the 207 Olympic nations was brought to a screeching halt when Zika was mistakenly introduced as a nation during last night’s Olympic Opening Ceremonies. The incident occurred just after the handful of Zambia’s Olympic delegation exited the tunnel and made their way onto Maracanã Stadium’s playing surface. Compounding the embarrassment for the host country was that Brazil was due to enter the stadium last, just 3 countries later.

Instead of entering to raucous cries, Brazil’s athletes walked into mayhem as panic spread throughout the stadium. Thousands of people flooded for the exits. Several of the athletes made their way out of the stadium and headed back to the Olympic Village. Fortunately, only minor injuries were reported. NBC’s Bob Costas called the incident an “honest mistake,” later stating, “You can’t blame the local officials for not catching this one. When I heard Zika announced, I scrambled to find it in my notes, and just assumed it was a small country somewhere in Africa.”

In addition to the Zika virus scare, the 2016 Rio Olympics has also been marred with other controversies with facilities not completed on time, sanitary issues plaguing the outdoor venues, the collapse of a newly constructed bike path and boat ramp, and a human arm found floating in the Olympic sailing venue. While these issues have led to athletes refusing to compete and tourists staying home, not everybody is complaining. Business has been good for Hugo Lucas, a local entrepreneur who generally sells T-shirts to tourists. “During the 2014 World Cup, I almost went broke,” said Lucas. “But the Olympics have given me the opportunity to sell creative items. Right now my best selling items are Olympic branded mosquito nets and water filters.”

Once word spread to the street vendors what was happening inside of Maracanã Stadium, street vendors reportedly doubled their prices on health related items. So far, the most popular seller is a combination hat and mosquito head net that has “I went to the Rio Olympics and all I got was this lousy mosquito net” printed on the front.

In an unrelated incident, Rio’s famous Christ the Redeemer statue that overlooks the city from Corcovado Mountain was found covered in a gigantic mosquito net on Thursday. Many devout locals saw it as a sign from God, with one commenting that “Even Jesus doesn’t feel safe here anymore.” However, local officials dismissed it as an elaborate prank. Rio Mayor Eduardo da Costa Paes even noted, “They pulled off that prank better than we are pulling off the Olympics.

By Dustin Fulton


 

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