New York, NY – After reading reports that Vice President Mike Pence would not eat alone with another woman other than his wife, Susan Warren was overwhelmed with laughter: “I laughed till my stomach hurt. What a stupid old-fashioned idea. I hear it came from that old guy Billy Graham. This is so 1950’s.” Warren continued, “And isn’t selecting who you eat with really assuming someone’s gender? And is it really fair to prevent Pence from sleeping with other women? He was biologically predetermined through evolution to expand his race. Monogamy is something people made up as a system of oppression.”
Warren’s favorite presidents in US history are John F. Kennedy and Bill Clinton. A Hillary Clinton supporter who attended the Women’s March on Washington, she regularly accused Trump-voting friends of supporting a sexual assaulting misogynist who would demean the place of women in society and contribute to the view that they are mere objects.
When asked if Pence’s choices helped avoid that type of treatment of other women, Warren stated, “That’s different. They are just a bunch of Puritans who view women as dangerous. I rejected the socially fabricated morals of Christianity long ago. They are a bunch of hypocrites. They don’t practice what they preach. I gave up on it since the scandals of Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Bakker. Since then there has been Ted Haggard and others. Nothing has changed.”
When asked what kind of safeguards she and her husband put in place to protect her marriage, she replied, “Oh, I haven’t been married for years, ever since he ran off with his secretary.”
Warren was not permitted to share details about the case, but she currently has a sexual harassment claim against a coworker who complimented her new hair style.
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Washington, DC – Since Donald Trump took office, a memo was secretly released to Democrats on the Hill to guide their dealings with the new threat. In an effort to stop the President from destroying the nation, they have found conservative principles and activities to be the greatest means to protect the freedom of the People. The memo from Nancy Pelosi says:
- Religious freedom is of utmost importance and religious groups must be defended at all costs (excluding evangelicals and Catholic nuns).
- Ignore the phrase “Do Your Job!” when it comes to confirming qualified Supreme Court Justices you don’t like.
- Emphasize freedom of conscience over law and duty (unless it is Kim Davis).
- Stand against Executive Orders as an overreach of power.
- Emphasize states’ rights now that we have discovered the 10th Amendment (except for the rights of Texas, Georgia, and Alabama).
The Bald Prophet is appreciative to Vladimir Putin for personally breaking into Nancy Pelosi’s office and hand-delivering this memo to us.
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While America woke up on November 9th wondering what a world would look like under a president Trump, the NIV’s executive board had a different question to ponder—what should the Bible look like under a president Trump?
Recently, an online petition was created, demanding the church change the pronunciation of the books of the Bible from “first, second or third,” to “one, two or three.” In a response via email, petition organizer, Christifor Donald, told us the reason: “When our beloved president-to-be quoted from ‘Two Corinthians,’ the horrible Christian establishment slammed him as ignorant or stupid. SO MEAN. But poll after poll shows that ‘Two Corinthians’ is the real way to pronounce the book. We are simply asking that the church accept what everybody else already knows!”
It appears the petition worked. After an emergency session of the NIV’s executive board overnight, a statement was released to the public: “It is the duty of the church to remain culturally relevant. As such, upon further review, our team of scholars has concluded that the most natural way to read the names of the book is indeed the way Donald Trump has read them. We owe our new president a great deal of gratitude for pointing out this previously archaic tradition in our Biblical Scholarship.”
By Caleb Payne
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Athens, GA – Local Southern Baptist, Wayne Peters, was disappointed that the recent proposal to ban the burqa was withdrawn. “You know, we shouldn’t let people walk around with their faces covered,” said Peters in full Georgia Bulldogs face paint with a cross tattooed on his forearm. “It makes it hard to identify people. It’s scary and strange. It just don’t look right. It just ain’t right.”
When asked how he reconciled the Baptist position on religious liberty, with his position, he replied, “Well, bless your heart. That’s different. American religious liberty isn’t for all religions, just the ones we like. You know, ‘I don’t like France much,’ as momma used to say, but they really have some good ideas on this. Their ban has really worked out well for them.”
Peters’ views were not changed by the examples of French bans on nativity scenes. Peters told us he plans to spend his holiday season boycotting Starbucks for its cups, malls that ban nativity scenes, and protesting at schools that ban performances of nativity plays.
Further conversation with Peters was stifled by his Cherry Bomb Glasspacks.
By The Bald Prophet and Eddy Sanders
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Sarasota, FL – Martin Sweet, 39, has been a Republican all his life. “Even before he could vote, he watched the debates and was a convinced Republican,” said his mom, Kathy. “Once he could vote, he always voted Republican. Have you seen Family Ties? He was the Alex Keaton in our family of Democrats.”
This year, Sweet stuck with his party loyalties and voted for Trump, even in the primaries. He was convinced that he would “Make American Great Again.”
His father, Lewis, was originally dismayed by his Trump support, and ultimate win, but now he sees some positives in Martin’s views: “It’s really strange. He never supported Paid Family Leave, parts of Obamacare, pro-choice state laws, transgender people using the restroom they choose, and the Obergefell decision, but he does now, because Trump does.”
“Republicans attacking Trump are sore losers,” said Sweet. “He has really great ideas, the best ideas. No one thought of these ideas before.”
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Mobile, AL – Editors of Logician Magazine have graced their front cover with ‘Hasty Generalization: 2016 Fallacy of the Year.’ Senior Editor, Prudence Jones, explained, “This fallacy is always popular, but it took the lead in an election year.”
From their lead article, the editors included these common examples.
- All Democrats are crybabies.
- All White evangelicals are racists.
- All Democrats don’t work.
- All Trump voters are bigots.
- All Democrats go low when they say they go high.
- Everything Trump says is a lie.
- Everything Clinton says is a lie.
“Next year we hope to revive the slippery slope,” said Jones. “We hadn’t highlighted it since 2013 after Obama’s 2012 win. We are pretty sure we will be able to put it on the cover in 2018.”
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As Election Day approaches, the potential first-spouses for President are campaigning as surrogates for their spouses’ campaigns to motivate voters in these final hours. Today the tension between the spouses reached an all-time high as they hosted dueling press conferences to highlight their first-spouse agenda for the White House.
Melania Trump held a press conference outside of Trump Towers in Manhattan to further detail her anti-bullying agenda announced last week. “It is time that cyber-bullying receive the attention it deserves,” said Mrs. Trump. “Men are using Twitter as a platform for harassment and intimidation. As first lady, I pledge to do my part to end cyber-bullying. I will encourage Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram to develop filtering software to end cyber-bullying. If you elect my husband, we will stop the culture of intimidation and harassment.”
Not to be outdone, Former President Bill Clinton has announced his platform as potential presidential spouse. The former President held a press conference today outside of the Values Voters Conference Center in Las Vegas, Nevada to announce that he will pledge Clinton Foundation money to host a annual summit on Values if his wife is elected to the highest office in the land. President Clinton stated, “Long-held values such as honesty, integrity, and chastity have been overlooked in this Presidential year of bickering. The men and women of this country deserve politicians committed to truth and integrity. If you elect my wife, we will build that legacy together.”
By Mindy Moral
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