Intelligence Report Ties Putin to Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve Debacle

Intelligence Report Ties Putin to Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve Debacle

Washington, DC – The highly anticipated report from the Intelligence Community has revealed more than the press expected.  Not only did it highlight Putin’s hacking order to interfere with the US election, but it reveals the Russian involvement in Mariah Carey’s unfortunate New Year’s Eve performance.

The report says, “From intercepted communications, we know that Putin ordered the sabotage of Carey’s performance in response to the release of her awful movie Glitter.  He has been upset about it ever since he watched it.”

Carey has claimed that nothing like this would have happened if Dick Clark were still alive.  That statement was truer than she knew, because the report detailed Russian involvement in Clark’s death leading up to this event.  “Everyone knows that Clark was never going to die from old age,” according to the report.  “This was planned for a long time.  Not only was there interference on the day of the performance; they made the sabotage easier by removing Clark from the picture.”


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Lifeway Bookstore Music Criteria Leaked

Lifeway Bookstore Music Criteria Leaked

Nashville, TN — Even though LifeWay Bookstores does not discuss decisions related to production selection for its stores, Wikileaks has leaked an email that contains the internal policy.  This is particularly enlightening with the recent decision to not carry Amy Grant’s new Christmas album, Tennessee Christmas.

  1. Jesus must be mentioned in every chorus of every song on an album.
  2. Average musicianship and songwriting is required.
  3. When in doubt, remember “average” means “a lot of people will like—and buy—it.”
  4. No artists highlighted by Under the Radar are permitted.
  5. All music must bring a smile to the face and have a cheery message.
  6. Music must be family-friendly.
  7. Songs that discuss romance are forbidden.
  8. Fun is banned.
  9. Songs about mundane life are anathema and have no use occupying shelving space in our stores.
  10. Disregard any rules if it is the Oak Ridge Boys.

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Masseuses and Chiropractors on Hand for Stryper Anniversary Tour

Masseuses and Chiropractors on Hand for Stryper Anniversary Tour

Atlanta, GA – This year Stryper celebrates the 30 year anniversary of their album To Hell With the Devil with a new tour.  The tour kicks off in Atlanta on September 29th.

Due to the aging band members and fans, the concert will take an intermission for concertgoers to use the restroom, and more critically, have their necks attended to by masseuses and chiropractors.  Icy Hot and ibuprofen will be on hand at the concession area, and, for more serious cases, doctors will  be available to dispense muscle relaxants.

“We are really concerned about our fans, and want to care for them, since they are not as young as they used to be,” explained Michael Sweet.  “We will even offer further services after the show during the autograph time.”

It is reported that the new service will be called “The Neck and Back Attack.”


 

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Star Wars Sequels Put On Hold Due to Death of R2-D2 Pilot Kenny Baker

Star Wars Sequels Put On Hold Due to Death of R2-D2 Pilot Kenny Baker

While Star Wars fans and actors mourn the recent passing of RD-D2 pilot Kenny Baker, all production on Star Wars sequels has been placed on indefinite hiatus. This is because, in a bid to secure his job, Mr. Baker never committed R2-D2’s binary code language to a computer or Google Translator. One Walt Disney executive spoke to us about the current kerfuffle: “This is a disaster. No one else can work properly with our R2 droid to make the necessary *beep beep bloop* sounds. Baker and R2 had a very special working relationship.” One plan is to create a R2 Rosetta Stone by reverse translating every communication from R2 in the original movies through C3PO’s translations into English. The studio has also contacted George Lucas in the interest of creating “R2-D2 Special Editions,” deleting R2-D2 from all of the previous Star Wars movies.

When asked how he feels about the death of his partner, R2-D2 said, “I feel empty inside.”

By Justin Schwartz


 

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Hollywood Star Declared Christian Saint after Declaring Belief in Higher Power

Hollywood Star Declared Christian Saint after Declaring Belief in Higher Power

Los Angeles, CA – In an interview with Entertainment Tonight, Ian Reeves, noted actor of the big and small screens, indicated that belief in a higher power sustained his family through a rough time.  “God, he or she,” said Reeves, “was a source of strength after my child was in a major accident and fighting for her life.  Prayers to this higher power, wherever, whatever, and whoever it is, was an amazing comfort.”

Based on this vague declaration, the story, “Hollywood Told Reeves Not to Talk about God, But Look What He Did Next,” has been the top trending story on social media thanks to evangelical Christians.  The story declared Reeves was a loyal church member, a regular reader of the Bible, and had a completely orthodox understanding of Christ’s human and divine natures.

Reeves’ next film is NC-17, and he has planned pilgrimage to attend a pagan festival at Stonehenge.


 

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Jeff Goldblum Will Star in Jurassic Park: Ark Encounter

Jeff Goldblum Will Star in Jurassic Park: Ark Encounter

Jeff Goldblum will play Bill Nye the Science Guy in the next Jurassic Park.  Based on Bill Nye’s recent visit to Ken Ham’s Ark Encounter, the film will tell an unbelievable story that pits two philosophically opposite men in an epic battle with dinosaurs.  Goldblum said, “It’s kind of like Snakes on a Plane, but Wesley Snipes is not in it, there is no plane, and there are dinosaurs.”

The screenwriter explained, “Imagine there is a flood that wipes out the Nazis trying to acquire the Ark.  Nye and Ham are trapped with the dinosaurs on the Ark.  These dinosaurs aren’t the fake ones at the theme park but are re-created from some DNA Ken Ham was able to extract from ancient amber.”

We spoke with fans of the other Jurassic Park films, and the general desire is that a velociraptor eats Goldblum early in the film, because it’s Jeff Goldblum.


 

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Future Calvinist Documentary Predestined to Receive 5 Points from Christianity Today

Future Calvinist Documentary Predestined to Receive 5 Points from Christianity Today

Port St. Lucie, FL – Les Lanphere’s Kickstarter campaign to fund his “Calvinist Documentary Film” quickly raised more than enough funds to make his movie with many days to spare.  If more money is received, he will be able to purchase the rights to use early Caedmon’s Call (aka Calvinist Call) songs for the soundtrack.

After only seeing the promotional video, Christianity Today (CT) gave the film 5 points.  “4 points wouldn’t be enough,” said the reviewer.  “There is no unlimited atonement in this film.”

With the historically tight connection between CT’s leadership and Calvin College and Wheaton College, the positive review was predestined.

The reviewer also noted, “The film will only be shown in elect theaters.  Arminians will not be able to persevere through the film.  Whoever likes the film will be assured of their effectual calling.”

President R. Albert Mohler Jr. tells us Southern Seminary plans to incorporate the final film into their new student orientation.


 

Photo credit: Formerly attributed to Hans Holbein the Younger (1497/1498–1543) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons