Pulpit and Pen Convince Eastern Orthodox Christians of Total Depravity

Pulpit and Pen Convince Eastern Orthodox Christians of Total Depravity

Interwebs – Orthodox Christians reacted strongly on social media to a recent blog by Pulpit and Pen concerning the Bible Answer Man’s conversion to Orthodoxy, and a blog about a visit to his church. In response, the President offered a heartfelt, unapologetic apology.

The apology did not accomplish all of its goals, since Orthodox Christians still “practice necromantic prayers to the dead,” and “engage in corpse worship,” but Orthodox Christians everywhere have completely renounced synergism.  In a surprising joint statement, the Patriarch of Constantinople, Bartholomew I, and the Patriarch of the Russian Orthodox Church, Kirill said, “Pulpit and Pen have convinced us that there is Total Depravity.  It is very real as evidenced by the writers for this blog.”

The discernment blog’s devotees who belong to the Facebook Group, Pulpit Bunker, missed the news.  They were busy mocking the looks and activities of women who are evangelical leaders, booting people out of their group that do not appreciate the weak journalism, and deciding what other Christians to declare damned.


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Easter Special’s Groundbreaking Interpretations of Resurrection Not Heard Since Last Year

Easter Special’s Groundbreaking Interpretations of Resurrection Not Heard Since Last Year

New York, NY – On Friday night, NBC will air its long anticipated story, The Resurrection of Jesus?  Teasers have hailed the two-hour special as “groundbreaking.”  John Lawson, director of the documentary, explained, “You will hear interpretations of Jesus’ resurrection that you have never heard before.”

Spoiler Alert:  Having seen an exclusive screening of the show, The Bald Prophet can report that the possible interpretations offered in the film include the disciples stole the body from the tomb, and they imagined Jesus rose from the dead.

Some members of the audience at the screening were amazed by the new information.  One said, “How has no one ever thought of the possibility of Jesus’ body being stolen from the tomb?”

In an effort to provide a balanced treatment of the issue, Lawson said, “We brought in scholars like Ben Witherington to broaden the scholarly perspectives.”  After Witherington’s telling of the Easter story in his office accompanied by no background music, he never appears again, allowing Elaine Pagels, Bart Ehrman, and others to take over with the help of dramatic music, sweeping cinematography, and fast-paced editing.

Don’t miss the show on Friday night.  You won’t know what Reza Aslan is eating, but you will be absolutely certain Reza Aslan holds a PhD.


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Pastor Facebook Group Excommunicates Mean Members

Pastor Facebook Group Excommunicates Mean Members

Facebook – Popular clergy Facebook group, Mighty Men of Valor, dropped the Ban Hammer on nearly one third of its membership after an article shared on the page generated more than 3,000 comments.

“21 Hilarious Puns About Religion That Will Make You LOL” by Jarry Lee was posted to the closed group that discusses theological, societal, and practical ministry issues Thursday. Comments on the post ranged from the chocolate ice cream emoji to an 8,000 word academic article complete with endnotes and hyperlinked articles that is being submitted for publication to a peer-reviewed theological journal. Debate on the appropriateness of the article in a serious discussion group was the initial point of contention, but within hours, disagreements arose on subjects as wide ranging as the Eternal Functional Subordination debate to the use of didgeridoos in evening worship services.

“I just thought is was a funny article,” said Gary McKinney, long time member of the group and pastor of New Life Church, Richmond. “I had no idea it would cause such a problem.” Mr. McKinney posted the article originally and was one of the first members of the group to be banned:  “It’s a shame, really. It was fun talking with those guys for the most part.” When asked if he would attempt to rejoin the group he stated, “The private message the admins sent me said it was permanent and that I’d have better luck getting out of a board meeting early than getting back in the group.”

Mark Johnson, an admin of the group, released a statement after personally removing more than one hundred members:  “It saddens me to report that due to an increasing lack of charity in the Might Men of Valor many members have been permanently banned. It is important as we move forward to recognize that disagreements are tolerated, but meanness is not. During the recent Buzzfeed debacle, many members were harassed electronically and challenged on their positions. We want this to be a safe place for clergy to discuss ideas and differences, but not a place where the charge of heresy is leveled over the color of the carpet. If you participated in the social media free-for-all and are still a member, consider yourself lucky.”

Several members who were removed have started new Facebook groups like Survivors of the Mighty Men and Celebrating Differences. These groups promise to maintain the spirit of the original intent of the MMoV group without caving to worldly pressures to be nice to one another.

By Martin Bender of Two Bearded Preachers


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Ken Ham Responds With the “Ark Option”

Ken Ham Responds With the “Ark Option”

Williamstown, KY – Not to be left out in the midst of the plethora of reviews and alternative options to Rod Dreher’s The Benedict Option, Ken Ham has offered his own proposal.  He calls it the “Ark Option.”

“In this society which has departed from God’s literal Word to embrace evolutionary theory and an old earth, young earth Christians will form communities in each state around an Ark,” explained Ham.  “Not only is society falling to the falsehood of evolution, but the churches are too.  In this time of crisis, we need to form Noahite communities to preserve us under the waves of the Darwinian flood.”

Utilizing public funds resulting in little economic impact for communities, Christians will live intentional lives together filled with work and order first building the ark and then tending to animals on the ark.  Inspired by the recent plan to resurrect woolly mammoths, dinosaurs will be recreated to have two of each kind.  For entertainment, community members will participate in prediluvian gladiatorial battles with dinosaurs to truly live out the biblical world.

Ham said, “We have given up trying to influence the scientific empire.  Instead, we will stick to communities with dinosaurs.”

The Ark Communities hope to attract a more diverse community, because 6-year-old boys are the only ones yet to respond.


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“A Day Without a Woman” Becomes National Holiday When Men Identify as Women

“A Day Without a Woman” Becomes National Holiday When Men Identify as Women

On March 8th women celebrated International Women’s Day with rallies and A Day Without a Woman.  This meant women stayed home from jobs, sometimes with employer permission, resulting in school closings in some locations.  To further demonstrate the economic value of women, women were supposed to abstain from shopping.

Unforeseen to organizers of this event, and the previous Women’s March, men were also attracted to the idea of not working.  Bob Farrar of Raleigh, NC explained, “I wanted to stay home from work too.  What’s better than a vacation day? Not shopping on a vacation day!”

When Farrar explained to his supervisor he was observing the day, his supervisor baulked.  “The Fire Chief wasn’t going to let me off, but I explained I was a woman,” said Farrar.  “The Chief immediately said, ‘Oh, ok then, you can gladly take the day.  I’m sure nothing will burn down.’”

Due to similar scenarios occurring all around the country, and no way to deny the identification of men based on biology, the government has designated March 8th, Human Day.  (Men refer to it as Father’s Day II.)

Immediately following the announcement, PETA protested the day as speciesism.  Next year squirrels are expecting a leisurely day not foraging for food.


 

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Fact Check: Did LifeWay Bookstores Remove Bibles?

Fact Check: Did LifeWay Bookstores Remove Bibles?

Nashville, TN – Due to recent worries about fake news, The Bald Prophet has decided to offer a service called “The Nope Fact Checker.”  The Babylon Bee’s recent headline stated, “LifeWay Pulls All Bibles Due To Graphic Content.”  The story is misleading (receiving a score of 2 out of 4 Nopes), since the publication is a promoter of fake and biased news with direct ties to the Russian government.  This is the true story.

As reported by the Washington Post, LifeWay Bookstores pulled Sho Baraka’s new album from its shelves due to complaints related to content.  In one of the tracks, the artist used the word “penis.”

As previously reported by The Bald Prophet, Amy Grant suffered a similar fate when the organization decided not to carry her Christmas album.  The leaked criteria revealed many ways to cross the organization unless you were a famous, country artist.

Not wanting to further enrage customers after the “penis incident,” LifeWay conducted a full review of its products.  “Our review lead us to remove all audio Bibles from our stock,” explained a spokesperson.  “Have you ever heard Ezekiel 23:20 read aloud?  The ESV uses ‘members,’ and the NIV uses ‘gentials.’  It’s really unsettling to hear James Earl Jones or Andy Griffith say those things.  We had to remove these Bibles from our shelves to protect patrons’ ears.”

When asked why no one had realized this before, LifeWay explained, “We guess no one had ever listened to those products before.”


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Anti-Reformed Author Converts to Calvinism after Twitter Encounter

Anti-Reformed Author Converts to Calvinism after Twitter Encounter

Dr. David Allen, long-time opponent of Reformed Theology, faced criticism after tweeting on January 18th that copies of his new book in favor of unlimited atonement would be given away at an upcoming pastors’ conference. The tweet read: “The first 1000 registrants receive a free copy of my book!” Almost immediately, complaints began to flood in calling this act of injustice into question. “What love is this?” asked Dave Hunt, who discovered that he was the 1,001 registrant. As this perceived injustice was called into question, Dr. Allen took to Twitter with a string of responses:

“Is there injustice on B&H Publishing’s part? By no means! They will give books to whomever they will. Who are you, O man, to answer back to B&H Publishing? So what if I and the publisher chose to give books to only 1000 registrants? Did I not create the book and can choose to freely give it to whomever I will?”

When interviewed by The Bald Prophet, Dr. Allen commented, “At first, I was shocked that anyone would complain about a publisher graciously giving books away. However, what happened next brought about a change in my thinking that will forever shape my ministry and life.”

Allen explained that a Calvinist friend reached out and lovingly walked him through Romans 9. Dr. Allen was amazed to see that the complaints raised against him, and the responses he had made in defense, were eerily similar to the clear and straightforward language of Paul regarding the doctrines of grace. Dr. Allen declared, “My eyes were opened and saw this truth: if a Christian publisher has a right to give away books to whomever they wish, surely God has the right to extend his free grace to whom he chooses.” No longer able to resist the will of God, Dr. Allen renounced his opposition and embraced all five points of Calvinism.

The Bald Prophet is waiting for responses from B&H Publishing regarding the fate of Allen’s newly published book and from Dr. Paige Patterson as to whether he will ask Dr. David Allen to leave Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and teach at a Presbyterian seminary.

By Anonymous