Church Changes Doctrinal Statement to “Eternal Re-accommodation”

Church Changes Doctrinal Statement to “Eternal Re-accommodation”

Dubuque, IA — For the last 7 years, Paul Juncter has been trying to get his fellow elders to remove “eternal damnation” from First Church of Dubuque’s belief statement. They have always rejected his suggestion until they found a better wording in an unlikely place, from the CEO of United Airlines.

“I was successful in getting the name ‘Christian’ removed from our church name back in 2002, as we wanted to be more seeker-friendly, but I was beginning to think we were going to be stuck with the wording of eternal damnation,” says Juncter. “But then United Airlines’ CEO Oscar Muñoz came to our rescue by terming the forceful removal of a passenger as ‘re-accommodation’ and I regained hope!” Juncter presented the following statement to the church Eldership on Wednesday evening, which was approved unanimously: “We believe in the literal second coming of our Lord, the literal rule of Christ upon the earth, the resurrection of the regenerate to eternal life and the unregenerate to eternal re-accommodation, and the ultimate victory of the eternal Kingdom of God.” After a mandatory two week waiting period, the congregation will vote by secret ballot whether or not to affirm the modified doctrinal statement.

By Mark Molten


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Christian Church Pastor Fired for Celebrating Lent

Christian Church Pastor Fired for Celebrating Lent

St. Louis, MO — After an emergency congregational meeting was called to determine if their senior minister was fit for his duties, Archway Christian Church unanimously fired [retracted]. [Retracted]’s downfall came to pass because of his irresponsible use of Facebook to broadcast his opinion on a matter, an issue which has recently dogged many tech-savvy ministers since the rise of social media. On March 1, the first day of Lent, [retracted] posted on his Facebook wall that he would be giving up chocolate for Lent. In several hours, the post had amassed over 100 “sad face” emoticons and comments from congregants. The emergency meeting was then called to meet that night.

The overall feeling during the emergency meeting was that this wasn’t [retracted]’s first kerfuffle, and was at least his third strike. In the minutes of the meeting, multiple testimonies were taken from members and evidence was gathered. Ella Mae Shoemaker, long time attender and authoritative voice of Archway, said that “Once, during a communion mediation, the preacher said that the Lord’s Supper is a mystery. And that Jesus drank wine, not grape juice.” Secretary Judy Blair reported that “I found the Revised Common Lectionary in his desk while I was snooping around. His sermons have been following the lectionary schedule!” Elder Jim Budde also related that the preacher “Lit a candle during a sermon on Matthew 5. We only do that on Christmas Eve here.” Chairman of the elders, Shane Jackson, announced during the final verdict that “This behavior simply cannot be tolerated any longer. We are historically the opposite of anything dealing with Roman Catholicism.” Further, it was determined by an overwhelming majority vote that the pastor’s name was to be stricken from all church records and social media to protect all people from being contaminated with heresy.

In response to a request for an interview, [retracted] sent the following statement: “I flew too close to Roman Catholicism and got burned. Who will hire me now?”

By Russell Bob


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Liberal Man Really Loves Leviticus Now

Liberal Man Really Loves Leviticus Now

Seattle, WA — Liberals didn’t believe that Donald Trump would Make America Great Again, and they still don’t.  But, for at least some, President Trump has made Leviticus great again.

Trump breathed new life into Leviticus for Mark Jones, a member of the United Church of Christ and a Clinton supporter. One of his conservative, Christian, co-workers says, “I would quote Leviticus on homosexuality when we debated gay marriage.  He would always respond that Leviticus was not written by Moses, it’s just reflection of man’s search for God and not inspired, and it only applied to the culture of Israel, not to us in the 21st century.  But, lately, Mark has been quoting Leviticus.”

Jones was searching for biblical passages to respond to Trump’s “Muslim ban,” and he found it in Leviticus:  “There are passages about caring for foreigners.  I have been citing them and other Old Testament passages to Christian Facebook friends that support the ban.  I really love it when God’s Word speaks the political issues of our time.”

While researching the refugee issue, Jones was amazed at other passages that really speak to his personal beliefs:  “Leviticus 19 affirms my views on uncooked meat, marred beards, and painful tattoos.”

Jones has also been showing others how Jesus was a refugee when his family fled to Egypt.  He has yet to explain how he reconciles this with his previous position that Matthew and Luke fabricated the birth narratives, and the Egypt trip was simply to make Jesus look like a new Moses.

Under his leadership, Jones’s small group will be switching from weekly discussion of John Pavlovitz’s blog to the Historical Books of the Old Testament to learn the dangers of requesting a king.


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The Rampaging Restorer – Vol. 1/No. 1

The Rampaging Restorer – Vol. 1/No. 1

GREETINGS, PUNY RESTORATION MOVEMENT HUMANS! WELCOME TO THE FIRST ISSUE OF THE RAMPAGING RESTORER. HERE, THE RESTORATION HULK ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS, REVIEWS ARTICLES, ASKS YOU A QUESTION AT THE END, AND MORE! BUT FIRST, WE KICK OFF WITH RESTORATION HULK’S BIBLE VERSE OF THE ISSUE:

Deuteronomy 12:3 “You shall tear down their altars and smash their sacred pillars and burn their Asherim with fire, and you shall cut down the engraved images of their gods and obliterate their name from that place.” (NASB)

NOW IT’S TIME TO SMASH!

Hulk Answers Your Questions

Q from Jonathan: Were there even Christians before the RM?

A: THERE WERE CHRISTIANS BEFORE THE RM! BUT THEN THE CHURCH WENT INTO THE WILDERNESS! READ RM MAP OF DENOMINATIONS. YOU WILL C

Q from Barry: What happened to true altar calls? Raise your hands and you’re saved….

A: HULK FOUND THEM ALL AND SMASHED THEIR HANDS! CASTS ONLY COME OFF AFTER IMMERSION!

Q from Paul: What does RH think of my job of church planting missions churches?
A: DO U SMASH OTHER CHURCHES? GOD ONLY HAVE 1 MISSION!

Q from Eric: What should a person do if they go to a church where the staff does not listen to Christian music extensively?

A: SMASH CDS/LPS/TAPES! INSTALL RESTORATION HULK SOFTWARE! ONLY ALLOWS ORGAN HYMNS! TEACH LESSON! REDUCE PAY! CONTINUE INQUISITION!

Q from Dustin: Hi Hulk, I’m looking for a good systematic theology book to read. Do you have any good suggestions?

A: ONLY READ PRESUPPOSITIONLESS EXEGESIS! SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY ON BANNED BOOK LIST! AFTER YOU READ ALL BIBLE, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO READ CHRISTIAN SYSTEM!

Q from Martin: Hey Hulk, what do you think of the historic Christian creeds and confessions?

A: CREEDS & CONFESSIONS ONLY OPINIONS THAT DIVIDE! NOT INSPIRED! NOT THUS SAITH THE LORD! NO HELP OBEY! BIBLE ALL WE NEED! SMASH THEM!

Q from Paul: What do you think of the doctrine of the trinity?

A: TRINITY NOT IN BIBLE! USE BIBLE WORDS 4 BIBLE THINGS! BUT HULK ORTHODOX! PRAYS 2 FATHER THRU SPIRIT IN JESUS NAME! MT3&28;ROM5;1Pet1!

Hulk’s Restoration Movement Reviews

“Lost in Translation” by Jim Tune.
http://christianstandard.com/2017/02/lost-in-translation/

MOSES LARD WOULD SMASH YOU! THAT NOT HOW RESTORATION HULK READ BIBLE! HOLY SPIRIT SPEAK TO HULK WHEN HE READ! NO INTERPRET!

“Letter From a Skeptic” by Anonymous.

https://t.co/6JDWv9npVL

PUNY AGNOSTIC! RESTORATION HULK NEVER DOUBT! ONLY BELIEVE BIBLE! HULK SMASH SKEPTICS FOR JESUS!

“Our Compelling Story” by Jim Tune.

https://t.co/O2jD2143pc

HULK SAY NO! WE ARE IN WAR! WORLD WAR RESTORATION HULK! ATTACK FRONT LINES LIKE LEADERS WHO VOTED 4 TRUMP!

Hulk’s Question for You:

SHOULD RESTORATION HULK WORSHIP WITH OR WITHOUT INSTRUMENTS? WHO SHOULD HULK SMASH?

Do you know something that needs smashing, an article in need of review, a question for the Restoration Hulk, an answer to Hulk’s question, or even a cool sketch? Please write to @RestorationHULK on Twitter or www.facebook.com/RestorationHULK

 

The Restoration Hulk Contributes New Letters Page

The Restoration Hulk Contributes New Letters Page

PUNY RESTORATION MOVEMENT HUMANS!

GREETINGS!

“INCREDIBLE HULK” IS NOW “RESTORATION HULK!”

WHY?! HULK SAW THAT RESTORATION MOVEMENT IS ANGRY. SO HULK JOINED RESTORATION MOVEMENT…NOW HULK EVEN ANGRIER! HA!

YOU LIKE THE RESTORATION MOVEMENT? GOOD! YOU WON’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M NOT ANGRY!

GAMMA RADIATION FROM DISCIPLES OF CHRIST POISON HULK, MAKE HULK ANGRY, GIVE HULK POWERS! NOW CINCINNATI CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY AND OTHER SCHOOLS MAKE HULK EVEN ANGRIER! HULK MUST SMASH!

HULK GET COLUMN HERE? LETTERS PAGE? YES!

SEND IN YOUR COMMENTS, LETTERS TO @RESTORATIONHULK ON TWITTER! HELP DIRECT HULK’S SMASHING! HULK WILL SMASH THEM ALL!

LOVE,

RESTORATION HULK

P.S.

HULK WON’T STOP SMASHING UNTIL THE CHURCH IS UNITED!

New Preacher Says Old Preacher Had Fewer People at First Sermon

New Preacher Says Old Preacher Had Fewer People at First Sermon

Little Rock, AR – Marty Bush celebrated the success of his first sermon as minister of Green Hills Christian Church.  “Could you believe how many people were in the sanctuary?” said Marty.  “People were very attentive, smiling, and interactive.”

All was well until Gladys, the church librarian, posted pictures on her Facebook page from the previous minister’s first sermon, and various church members shared them.  Gladys said, “I noticed there were more people at Pastor Bill’s first sermon, so I shared it.  I was on the minister search team, and I liked the other candidate better.”

In an effort to legitimize his ministry, Marty has appealed to the new lighting that was installed in the sanctuary a few years ago.  “All the brighter lights make it look like less people,” explained Marty.  “It’s simply an illusion.”

“All he has left is his light theory,” said Gladys.  “I have the attendance numbers.  He’s still looking for alternative attendance numbers, but he won’t find them.”

Now Gladys has expanded her subversive influence by joining Twitter.  You can follow the discussion by searching the hashtag #alternativeattendancenumbers.


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Manuscript Reveals Jesus’ Exceptions to His Prayer for Christian Unity

Manuscript Reveals Jesus’ Exceptions to His Prayer for Christian Unity

Vatican City – During recent digitizing efforts at the Vatican Apostolic Library, archivists have discovered a previously unknown manuscript that reveals exceptions Jesus gave to his prayer for Christian unity in John 17.  The following is a rough translation provided to The Bald Prophet.

Peter:  Did you really mean your disciples should be one like you and your Father are one?

 Jesus:  Yes, Peter.

 Peter:  But what about those who voted for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton?  

Jesus: Ok, except them.

Peter:  What about Calvinists and Arminians? Young Earth Creationists and Theistic Evolutionists?  Premillennials and Amillennials?

 Jesus:  No.

Peter:  Republicans and Democrats?  Supporters of Black Lives Matter and Blue Lives Matter?  Supporters and opponents of the Women’s March?

Jesus:  No. I was only referring to my disciples that completely agree on all political and theological issues.


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