Interwebs – Orthodox Christians reacted strongly on social media to a recent blog by Pulpit and Pen concerning the Bible Answer Man’s conversion to Orthodoxy, and a blog about a visit to his church. In response, the President offered a heartfelt, unapologetic apology.
The apology did not accomplish all of its goals, since Orthodox Christians still “practice necromantic prayers to the dead,” and “engage in corpse worship,” but Orthodox Christians everywhere have completely renounced synergism. In a surprising joint statement, the Patriarch of Constantinople, Bartholomew I, and the Patriarch of the Russian Orthodox Church, Kirill said, “Pulpit and Pen have convinced us that there is Total Depravity. It is very real as evidenced by the writers for this blog.”
The discernment blog’s devotees who belong to the Facebook Group, Pulpit Bunker, missed the news. They were busy mocking the looks and activities of women who are evangelical leaders, booting people out of their group that do not appreciate the weak journalism, and deciding what other Christians to declare damned.
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Dubuque, IA — For the last 7 years, Paul Juncter has been trying to get his fellow elders to remove “eternal damnation” from First Church of Dubuque’s belief statement. They have always rejected his suggestion until they found a better wording in an unlikely place, from the CEO of United Airlines.
“I was successful in getting the name ‘Christian’ removed from our church name back in 2002, as we wanted to be more seeker-friendly, but I was beginning to think we were going to be stuck with the wording of eternal damnation,” says Juncter. “But then United Airlines’ CEO Oscar Muñoz came to our rescue by terming the forceful removal of a passenger as ‘re-accommodation’ and I regained hope!” Juncter presented the following statement to the church Eldership on Wednesday evening, which was approved unanimously: “We believe in the literal second coming of our Lord, the literal rule of Christ upon the earth, the resurrection of the regenerate to eternal life and the unregenerate to eternal re-accommodation, and the ultimate victory of the eternal Kingdom of God.” After a mandatory two week waiting period, the congregation will vote by secret ballot whether or not to affirm the modified doctrinal statement.
By Mark Molten
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New York, NY – On Friday night, NBC will air its long anticipated story, The Resurrection of Jesus? Teasers have hailed the two-hour special as “groundbreaking.” John Lawson, director of the documentary, explained, “You will hear interpretations of Jesus’ resurrection that you have never heard before.”
Spoiler Alert: Having seen an exclusive screening of the show, The Bald Prophet can report that the possible interpretations offered in the film include the disciples stole the body from the tomb, and they imagined Jesus rose from the dead.
Some members of the audience at the screening were amazed by the new information. One said, “How has no one ever thought of the possibility of Jesus’ body being stolen from the tomb?”
In an effort to provide a balanced treatment of the issue, Lawson said, “We brought in scholars like Ben Witherington to broaden the scholarly perspectives.” After Witherington’s telling of the Easter story in his office accompanied by no background music, he never appears again, allowing Elaine Pagels, Bart Ehrman, and others to take over with the help of dramatic music, sweeping cinematography, and fast-paced editing.
Don’t miss the show on Friday night. You won’t know what Reza Aslan is eating, but you will be absolutely certain Reza Aslan holds a PhD.
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New York, NY – After reading reports that Vice President Mike Pence would not eat alone with another woman other than his wife, Susan Warren was overwhelmed with laughter: “I laughed till my stomach hurt. What a stupid old-fashioned idea. I hear it came from that old guy Billy Graham. This is so 1950’s.” Warren continued, “And isn’t selecting who you eat with really assuming someone’s gender? And is it really fair to prevent Pence from sleeping with other women? He was biologically predetermined through evolution to expand his race. Monogamy is something people made up as a system of oppression.”
Warren’s favorite presidents in US history are John F. Kennedy and Bill Clinton. A Hillary Clinton supporter who attended the Women’s March on Washington, she regularly accused Trump-voting friends of supporting a sexual assaulting misogynist who would demean the place of women in society and contribute to the view that they are mere objects.
When asked if Pence’s choices helped avoid that type of treatment of other women, Warren stated, “That’s different. They are just a bunch of Puritans who view women as dangerous. I rejected the socially fabricated morals of Christianity long ago. They are a bunch of hypocrites. They don’t practice what they preach. I gave up on it since the scandals of Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Bakker. Since then there has been Ted Haggard and others. Nothing has changed.”
When asked what kind of safeguards she and her husband put in place to protect her marriage, she replied, “Oh, I haven’t been married for years, ever since he ran off with his secretary.”
Warren was not permitted to share details about the case, but she currently has a sexual harassment claim against a coworker who complimented her new hair style.
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Facebook – Popular clergy Facebook group, Mighty Men of Valor, dropped the Ban Hammer on nearly one third of its membership after an article shared on the page generated more than 3,000 comments.
“21 Hilarious Puns About Religion That Will Make You LOL” by Jarry Lee was posted to the closed group that discusses theological, societal, and practical ministry issues Thursday. Comments on the post ranged from the chocolate ice cream emoji to an 8,000 word academic article complete with endnotes and hyperlinked articles that is being submitted for publication to a peer-reviewed theological journal. Debate on the appropriateness of the article in a serious discussion group was the initial point of contention, but within hours, disagreements arose on subjects as wide ranging as the Eternal Functional Subordination debate to the use of didgeridoos in evening worship services.
“I just thought is was a funny article,” said Gary McKinney, long time member of the group and pastor of New Life Church, Richmond. “I had no idea it would cause such a problem.” Mr. McKinney posted the article originally and was one of the first members of the group to be banned: “It’s a shame, really. It was fun talking with those guys for the most part.” When asked if he would attempt to rejoin the group he stated, “The private message the admins sent me said it was permanent and that I’d have better luck getting out of a board meeting early than getting back in the group.”
Mark Johnson, an admin of the group, released a statement after personally removing more than one hundred members: “It saddens me to report that due to an increasing lack of charity in the Might Men of Valor many members have been permanently banned. It is important as we move forward to recognize that disagreements are tolerated, but meanness is not. During the recent Buzzfeed debacle, many members were harassed electronically and challenged on their positions. We want this to be a safe place for clergy to discuss ideas and differences, but not a place where the charge of heresy is leveled over the color of the carpet. If you participated in the social media free-for-all and are still a member, consider yourself lucky.”
Several members who were removed have started new Facebook groups like Survivors of the Mighty Men and Celebrating Differences. These groups promise to maintain the spirit of the original intent of the MMoV group without caving to worldly pressures to be nice to one another.
By Martin Bender of Two Bearded Preachers
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St. Louis, MO — After an emergency congregational meeting was called to determine if their senior minister was fit for his duties, Archway Christian Church unanimously fired [retracted]. [Retracted]’s downfall came to pass because of his irresponsible use of Facebook to broadcast his opinion on a matter, an issue which has recently dogged many tech-savvy ministers since the rise of social media. On March 1, the first day of Lent, [retracted] posted on his Facebook wall that he would be giving up chocolate for Lent. In several hours, the post had amassed over 100 “sad face” emoticons and comments from congregants. The emergency meeting was then called to meet that night.
The overall feeling during the emergency meeting was that this wasn’t [retracted]’s first kerfuffle, and was at least his third strike. In the minutes of the meeting, multiple testimonies were taken from members and evidence was gathered. Ella Mae Shoemaker, long time attender and authoritative voice of Archway, said that “Once, during a communion mediation, the preacher said that the Lord’s Supper is a mystery. And that Jesus drank wine, not grape juice.” Secretary Judy Blair reported that “I found the Revised Common Lectionary in his desk while I was snooping around. His sermons have been following the lectionary schedule!” Elder Jim Budde also related that the preacher “Lit a candle during a sermon on Matthew 5. We only do that on Christmas Eve here.” Chairman of the elders, Shane Jackson, announced during the final verdict that “This behavior simply cannot be tolerated any longer. We are historically the opposite of anything dealing with Roman Catholicism.” Further, it was determined by an overwhelming majority vote that the pastor’s name was to be stricken from all church records and social media to protect all people from being contaminated with heresy.
In response to a request for an interview, [retracted] sent the following statement: “I flew too close to Roman Catholicism and got burned. Who will hire me now?”
By Russell Bob
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Port St. Lucie, FL — Ex-NFL quarterback and current minor league baseball player Tim Tebow recently announced to the world that he has converted to the Restoration Movement, a group of Christian Churches with roots in the early 19th century. After recording his first hit during a spring training game against the Miami Marlins, Tebow wrote “Acts 2:38” under his eyes instead of his famous usage of John 3:16 while a quarterback at the University of Florida. Sportscasters were confused when they saw 238 under his eyes, suggesting “on air” that Tebow was predicting his batting average in AA league this year.
During the post-game interview, reporters flocked to ask about the hit and why he had written Acts 2:38 under his eyes. Tebow attributed his ability to hit the baseball to his recent confession of faith in Christ and his immersion in the waters of baptism in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. In the crowded locker room, a player shouted, “How can we be saved?” With an inspiring sermon, Tebow told everyone in the audience to repent and be baptized for the forgiveness of their sins and the gift of the Holy Spirit. Further, he pointed out that he now renounced his past non-Christian life and use of John 3:16—“For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life.” He finished his sermon, saying that “Because it is only one part of Walter Scott’s five-finger exercise, John 3:16 has led many people to Hell. I’m ready to make Acts 2:38 the new John 3:16.” Immediately afterwards, everyone was baptized in the facilities’ ice baths, live on EPSN.
By John the Immerser