St. Louis, MO — After an emergency congregational meeting was called to determine if their senior minister was fit for his duties, Archway Christian Church unanimously fired [retracted]. [Retracted]’s downfall came to pass because of his irresponsible use of Facebook to broadcast his opinion on a matter, an issue which has recently dogged many tech-savvy ministers since the rise of social media. On March 1, the first day of Lent, [retracted] posted on his Facebook wall that he would be giving up chocolate for Lent. In several hours, the post had amassed over 100 “sad face” emoticons and comments from congregants. The emergency meeting was then called to meet that night.
The overall feeling during the emergency meeting was that this wasn’t [retracted]’s first kerfuffle, and was at least his third strike. In the minutes of the meeting, multiple testimonies were taken from members and evidence was gathered. Ella Mae Shoemaker, long time attender and authoritative voice of Archway, said that “Once, during a communion mediation, the preacher said that the Lord’s Supper is a mystery. And that Jesus drank wine, not grape juice.” Secretary Judy Blair reported that “I found the Revised Common Lectionary in his desk while I was snooping around. His sermons have been following the lectionary schedule!” Elder Jim Budde also related that the preacher “Lit a candle during a sermon on Matthew 5. We only do that on Christmas Eve here.” Chairman of the elders, Shane Jackson, announced during the final verdict that “This behavior simply cannot be tolerated any longer. We are historically the opposite of anything dealing with Roman Catholicism.” Further, it was determined by an overwhelming majority vote that the pastor’s name was to be stricken from all church records and social media to protect all people from being contaminated with heresy.
In response to a request for an interview, [retracted] sent the following statement: “I flew too close to Roman Catholicism and got burned. Who will hire me now?”
By Russell Bob