Knoxville, TN — Robert W. Funk, famous member of the Jesus Seminar, is being honored at his undergraduate school—Johnson University—12 years after his death. Within the Russell Preaching Center, dedicated to retired megachurch preacher Bob Russell, renovation and a dedication are happening to the building’s bathrooms. Soon to be revealed is a plaque that renames the bathrooms after Funk, along with exquisite mosaics of Jesus pictured as a king. These mosaics are made up of red, pink, gray, and black stones—a tip of the hat to the Jesus Seminar’s use of these colored beads to indicate the degree of authenticity of Jesus’ words in the Gospels. Further, when the lights are dimmed, these mosaics change to pictures of a fox.
But why has Johnson University taken so long to honor their most famous student? Vice President of operations, Joe Shmoe, told us: “We at Johnson have a brand built upon a conservative Stone-Campbell Movement stance. We always avoided Funk’s name being associated with the school for fear of it poisoning our reputation with a scholar that doubted that Jesus existed. But now, since we got rid of the cows and need to reassure the donors of our stance, we are going to take a big crap on his name. Over and over.”
In light of these plans, the philosophy department of Lincoln Christian University is in the process of installing and dedicating a scarecrow in honor of John W. Loftus among the landscaping so that students majoring in apologetics have a straw man to debate with on sunny days.
By Alexander Foster McGarvey