Washington, DC – The highly anticipated report from the Intelligence Community has revealed more than the press expected. Not only did it highlight Putin’s hacking order to interfere with the US election, but it reveals the Russian involvement in Mariah Carey’s unfortunate New Year’s Eve performance.
The report says, “From intercepted communications, we know that Putin ordered the sabotage of Carey’s performance in response to the release of her awful movie Glitter. He has been upset about it ever since he watched it.”
Carey has claimed that nothing like this would have happened if Dick Clark were still alive. That statement was truer than she knew, because the report detailed Russian involvement in Clark’s death leading up to this event. “Everyone knows that Clark was never going to die from old age,” according to the report. “This was planned for a long time. Not only was there interference on the day of the performance; they made the sabotage easier by removing Clark from the picture.”