New Orleans, LA — Local Bald Prophet reporter Justin the Theologian discovers the real reason Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt.

After worshipping with the Antiochene Orthodox community for several weeks, I was invited to join a secret group of young men that met in the church’s basement. At first, we were led by the priest in a masterclass for making and carving soap into icons, along with the study of Orthodox dogma. But, after being deemed worthy after explaining the Origenist Controversy and reciting the Creed minus the Filioque, it was revealed to attendees that these activities were merely a front for something greater—‘Neophyte Club.’ Those who sought membership lived together in an intentional community in a rundown home, where they committed obedience to a mysterious black hooded master and trained in Hesychast prayer postures.

After members graduated to the status of monk, the hooded figure revealed himself to be the movie star the Blessed Brad Pitt—with a divinely inspired beard. Ultimately, Pitt wishes to train neophytes to become monks skilled in the ways of Order Kombat and execute Fallacy Fatalities.

In an inspiring homily on the passage, “You must be in the world but not of it,” Pitt revealed that Angelina Jolie did not want their children to be involved in the strange world of Orthodoxy, after she sought help from Katie Holmes, who left Tom Cruise due to his involvement in Scientology. We were also told that Holy Father Edward Norton would be filling in during Pitt’s absences while in court. I fear this entire arrangement is actually ‘The Real World: Orthodox Edition.’

Initiates were also forced to remember the rules of Neophyte Club, in Greek:

  • Sing to everyone about Neophyte Club in the style of the liturgy of St. James. Repeatedly.
  • Make sure everyone feels inferior to you doctrinally.
  • Hate St. Augustine of Hippo with every fiber of your being.
  • Be easily incensed.
  • Party like it’s AD 549.

By Justin the Theologian

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