Athens, Greece — With omnipotent word processing and text searching tools generated by 21st century computer processing power, Greek Orthodox theologians, priests, and monks can now easily find ancient doctrinal teachings acceptable to the church by performing searches on the documents of the 7 ecumenical councils and the Church Fathers.
Naturally, the question has arisen among many Eastern Orthodox: Do these processes proceed from the Father, the Son, or—a position held by several Western based Orthodox—the Father and the Son? Regardless of the disagreements and condemnations, most agree that the Word searches are generated, as the Son is by the Father, true code from true code. Fans of the software in Orthodox circles have been pejoratively named “Process Theologians.”
With this controversy, factions have yet again emerged along the old lines. Those who claim Gregory Palamas view the processing power of computers as the energies of God and their results to be pure grace. Monks on the island monastery of Mt. Athos collectively wrote an anathema against the technology, including all computers and internet service, after learning that the search tools used critical editions of texts by modern scholars who think that Dionysius of Athens isn’t a real person, but only a pseudo. Elder Ephraim told us, “This program goes against asceticism and the hard work required to be a monk. We can’t have lazy pupils. What’s next, priests who can’t read Greek and only use computer tools? Soon they won’t be memorizing the Jesus Prayer.”
Rumors are perichoresising the internet that a council will be called to discuss what is being called the processioque. Concurrently, the Russian Orthodox Church is considering adding the clause paterPutinoque, translated as “and from Father Putin,” at the end of the Niceno-Constantinopolitan Creed.