Portland, OR — A new trend in baptisms is making waves in millennial missional church plants in the Portland area. The church planting organization 50/50 began a new initiative to baptize people upside down and torso depth due to the hesitancy of many millennials to make commitments. In particular, this mode of partial immersion avoids the area of the genitalia, a more attractive option for seekers belonging to the hookup culture.
The lead church planter of 50/50, who asked us to withhold his name for fear of being revealed as a Christian to people he knows, told us that “It is important to meet millennials halfway. People want to belong, sort of. And we don’t want to disrupt anyone’s life. We are asking them to make Jesus Christ their lord, maybe, and this new baptism technique is a perfect representation of that. Like the Franks who left their arms and swords above the baptismal waters, these people are going to do whatever they want with their junk. We can’t tell people what to do.”
In an attempt to not scare people away, the church plants also avoid using language such as ‘church,’ ‘Jesus,’ and ‘commitment.’ Instead, due to the audience’s familiarity with the dating app Tinder, the “gatherings” ask attenders to “swipe right” on their phones to “try something new.” One person wearing flannel and with a beard told us, “It may just be a onetime hookup deal, but we send out good thoughts and feelings that people will come every once in a while. I’m sure people get a rush of blood to the head from it all.”
By John the Immerser