Vancouver, B.C. — Gone are the days when baptisteries were an afterthought in church architectural design. In a bid to immerse as many heathens as possible during these post-Christian times in which we live, one hero of the faith has retrieved the centrality of baptisteries for the foundation of church design from ancient Christian church buildings.
Postmodern church architect Sal V. Shaun was hired by the elders of ‘River of Life Christian Church’ to design a new church building based around the philosophy that “as many people should be baptized as possible by immersion to save them from eternal damnation.” Mr. Shaun came up with three key elements that the structure is based around: trapdoor baptisteries at entrances, a retractable floor in the sanctuary that reveals a swimming pool size baptistery, and a drive-thru baptistery that operates as a free carwash for the community.
To make sure that every new person who walks through the doors is baptized, facial recognition trapdoor baptisteries are located at all of the entrances and exits. Dunk tanks are simply waiting to be filled with new Christians. These are an excellent solution for baptizing unaware guests on Sunday mornings.
Thanks to the retractable sanctuary floor, the church can baptize up to two hundred people at once. With the push of a button the sanctuary floor will retract, immersing everyone in the process. This system is ideal for funerals, weddings, and youth lock-ins; when the church has a large group of people in the sanctuary that have never come before.
Finally, in consideration of people who will not brave entering the church doors, there is also a drive-thru baptistery advertised as a free carwash. In this way the whole family can be baptized at once, like all the Israelites that were baptized into Moses in the cloud and in the sea.
When asked for comment on this achievement and what they do for new Christians after their baptisms, the church elders sent a statement:
“First, like Roman Catholic nurses secretly pouring water on newborns in hospitals across the nation, we are going to get you immersed, whether you want it or not. You’ll thank us later in heaven. Second, we haven’t thought that far.”
By John the Immerser