Hiram, OH – Phillip Jennings Bryan, new president of James Garfield University, was recently elected on a platform of being “an excellent businessman” and vowing to “Make the Restoration Movement great again.” Since his election, plans have been set in motion to build the school a new baseball field, a new basketball court, and start a football program. At his inauguration speech, he explained the new direction of the school: “I’m following the lead of the other schools in our tradition, like the great Bible Colleges in the Independent Christian Churches and Churches of Christ. Four years ago, my predecessor changed the school from a college to a university, changed the mascot to a fierce animal, and redesigned the website. But, all of this didn’t start the revolution that was expected. These new moves I am implementing are a change we can believe in. I’m fighting for us. Sports! Sports! Sports!” Bryan then began pounding the podium, yelling, “The bleachers are coming! The bleachers are coming!” Bryan, a thousandaire, then vowed to support these new programs by replacing the school’s endowment with “recession proof” silver and oil holdings.

In other news, small seismic activity in Cincinnati was discovered to be caused by the continuous rolling of R. C. Foster’s body in his grave.

By Alexander Foster McGarvey


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