El Diablo, TX – Who does a US military chaplain serve first; God or the President? This question comes at a time when Obamacare penalties are harming ministers, drawing them to consider leaving churches and joining the Chaplaincy so that they may retire before they turn 105. This makes the chaplaincy program in the US Army seem to be a good opportunity. But is this a deal with the Devil?
We went to the local recruitment office on the banks of the Rio Fuego to investigate ministers who are considering making the switch. While outside, we met a protester wearing a red devil suit and Obama mask with horns. He told us: “Army chaplains are merely psychologists in religious clothing. Their job is to make soldiers feel good so they can follow orders and kill the enemy without question. If you counter the nation’s policies with the Gospel of Jesus Christ, you will be crucified. There may be no transparency or accountability with regards to our president’s drone program, but after a secret trial you will be held responsible for your actions.”
We contacted Chief Chaplain of the United States Army, Major General B. L. Zebub, seeking comment on these allegations. He simply said, “It’s all true, but not a bad devil’s bargain.”
We interviewed several prospective military chaplains waiting in line at the crossroads, while Ralph Macchio and Steve Vai were trading-off guitar solos. Very few of them agreed with the hard stance by the Major General. Yet, under the promise of not mentioning his name as a source, one man admitted, “I know I’m not supposed to serve two masters, but what do you expect? It’s Obama’s America. The devil is in the details.”