Archaeological students who were working to unearth an ancient tomb near the ancient biblical city of Cana may have accidentally discovered the greatest historical find of all time. Once entering what was thought to be a tomb, students from Toronto’s Messiah University noticed 4 large ancient water jars dated back to the 1st Century CE. Upon further inspection, the jars were found to contain perfectly preserved wine from the same era, with a Hebrew inscription written on the outside that ties the wine to Jesus and his disciples.
“When we saw the name of Jesus of Nazareth and Judas Iscariot on the outside, we knew we had stumbled onto something great,” said Dr. Steve Diggs, the Professor of Archaeology and Head Librarian at Messiah. “It seems from the writings that this indeed was the water that Jesus turned into wine at the wedding in Cana! We’re still looking into it, but it appears that Judas Iscariot confiscated all of the leftover wine from the wedding in an attempt to sell it for a profit, but it never happened.”
While everyone was eager to taste the wine, Dr. Diggs quickly reminded his students that they had signed a covenant promising not to drink any alcohol while they were students at Messiah. “It kind of sucks,” quipped Jeremy Myers, a sophomore Old Testament student. “I mean, it’s the wine of Jesus. I would think the school could make an exception for this.” Fortunately, a group of students from Houston Catholic University were able to test it for them. It was reportedly the best wine the students had ever tasted. Unfortunately, none of them were available for comment, as they appeared to consume a bit too much of the delicacy.
After further testing, it was found that the wine tested at 6.5% alcohol. This led many, including Kent James, Professor of Church History at Philadelphia Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Bible College in Christ to question its authenticity. “We all know that the wine in Jesus’ day didn’t have any alcohol content in it. Plus, at an alcohol content of that volume all of the guests would have been at least tipsy, if not flat out drunk,” speculated James. He was quick to add that he does not know this from personal experience, but that he has “read plenty about the subject, and it is dangerous stuff!”
Due to the exceptionally rare nature of the wine, experts have valued it at upwards of $1 million per liter. While Messiah University technically owns the rights to the wine, it appears the school will not be able to cash in on the find, as their Trustees recently passed a “Sin Money” policy that prohibits the school from accepting money from the sale of alcohol or tobacco, or from lottery or gambling winnings. “It’s really too bad,” notes Dr. Diggs. “The school also has a no alcohol policy on campus, so we won’t even be able to put it on display back at the school.”
While finding buyers for the wine should not be difficult, it is rumored that one person has already moved to the front of the line. United States Presidential candidate, Donald Trump, has shown an interest in purchasing a large volume of the wine for his Inaugural Ball. When asked to comment, Trump refused to confirm or deny these reports, but did say, “It would be my honor to drink wine created by the second most important person in history, right after me.”