Arcola, OR – Grace Anglican Church’s revamped 9am Sunday worship service has recently been given the derisive nickname ‘TORTURE…and Eucharist,’ and the church leadership has proudly embraced their new reputation. Visitors to the church have told us that the preaching is awful, the music is terrible, community atmosphere is non-existent; everything is wretched and akin to torture…but the Eucharist is very well done. Some even said, “The Eucharist is the best I’ve ever participated in.”

The Very Reverend Al Red Edon informed us that the ‘TORTUE…and Eucharist’ branding came about after the church leadership embraced a ‘simple church’ philosophy: “Not long ago, we were trying to be good at a lot of things as a church, quite unlike today, as we barely try at anything else; like preaching. I read leadership books that said the problem many churches have is they try to focus on their weak areas and patch those up. Instead of doing that, I discovered that churches should focus and become really good at one thing. Since then, our church has really taken the Eucharist to heart and let everything else fall to the wayside. At its core, the church is about dispensing grace through the sacrament, so we are dispensing with everything else. If Jesus can just do everything for us in the sacrament, why even try anything else?”

Deacon Hal Flass told us, “We’re pretty serious about Jesus. So, having visitors label us as ‘TORTURE…and Eucharist’ is a dream come true – a real badge of honor. We only want to attract people with the meat and not the milk, you know? If we have to sacrifice several members, so be it.”

After bleeding half of their membership, we asked several of those remaining what they thought of the changes. They all simply replied, “What changes?”

By Justin Schwartz


Photo Credit: boydsstation via Compfight cc


3 thoughts on “Revamped Church Service Seeks to Eliminate Church Seekers

    1. See folks? Right here, in the comment above this, someone who blogs about “church growth” approves of this satire. Sometimes it requires torture, bleeding, and sacrifices. Just don’t Hal Flass anything.

      Thanks for the comment, Andy! You made my day!

      Liked by 1 person

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