Birmingham, MA—The entire membership of the local Birmingham Church of Christ has been infected with a new and dangerous disease that doctors are referring to as “itchy ear syndrome.” First manifested by itchiness of the ears, the disease develops into behavior exhibiting unreasonableness, eventually illogical demands, and finally a complete break with reality. The church building has been determined to be ground zero, as only church members are infected, resulting in the quarantining of it by The Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and making it an official Christian bubble. Doctors were seen entering and exiting the building wearing hazmat suits for fear of contracting the disease and becoming fundamentalists.
After members quarantined inside the church were informed of their diagnosis, they demanded a speech by an authority figure with an easy to understand outline and practical application for their lives. When the lead doctor for the CDC informed the congregation that there was no moral or practical application forthcoming, many demanded that the doctors be fired and replaced by people with high school diplomas or bachelor’s degrees, at most.
Many church members researched their symptoms on webmd.com for a second opinion and were quite pleased by the pictures, bullet points, quizzes, and the ability to share their diagnoses on Twitter. This kept the crowd occupied for 20 minutes at most, but they eventually became violent and began to riot, turning on each other in various theological disputes. This continued until their preacher delivered a sermon in three points on the healing of Naaman and told them that “scratching would only make it worse.”
The head of the center for the CDC was concerned with the behavior of the congregation, saying: “It’s as if these people are convinced that everything can be fixed with a ‘moral-of-the-story’ and anecdotal Bible application. What do they think the Bible is, Aesop’s Fables?”