Chicago, IL – Reports have emerged from within the organization of the major league baseball team the Chicago Cubs that the entire roster has sold their souls to the Devil in exchange for a chance at winning the World Series for the first time since 1908. And it seems to be working, as the Cubs are leading the National League with a record of 41 wins and 17 losses as of June 9, 2016, a winning percentage of .707 – making them the clear favorites to win the World Series. Some reporters have accused the team of using human growth hormones, but there seems to be a darker magic at work. Pentagrams have been found mowed in the outfield and headless chickens were discovered in the team locker room. What else can explain the dominance of Jake Arietta?
In case the season takes a turn for the worse, lifetime Cubs fans have offered themselves as human sacrifices to fill the needed human soul and blood quota for the deepest and darkest magic of all – playoff wins. Every other team in baseball is praying for angels in the outfield.