Chicago, IL – After spending every hour of productivity and entertainment looking at screens and listening to music Monday through Saturday, Christians at Willowgrove Church have found it difficult to pay attention during worship services. Church attendees posted many complaints on church Vine videos concerning their inability to concentrate for longer than a Vine video, and more. The presence of babies and small children, coffee quality, air temperature, the inability to follow the sermon after a power nap, and the length of songs all brought the ire of the congregation.
Even lead minister Annie Buddyhome got in on the complaints, saying “Babies and small children aren’t welcome because they are like cell phones, but worse. You can’t put them on *vibrate.*” Minister of church atmosphere, Kaye Ken Cofe, was emphatic that worshipping in total darkness with fog machines, laser shows, and movie theatre seating – after giving away coffee and donuts – had in no way contributed to the lull in their attention spans. “I blame the secular culture,” Kaye told us; “We just adapt.”
In response to the church-wide attention deficit, the elders moved the celebration of the Lord’s Supper to the beginning of services and laced the wafers and grape juice with Adderall. Results have been nothing but stellar. “I’ve seen a significant rise in live tweeting my sermon bites,” Annie Buddyhome told us. Paige Turner, lead worship minister, said that “Participation in worship has greatly improved. We have been able to increase our worship songs to the length of a song-sample on iTunes. Members are not attending as many activities and ministries because they can finally pay attention to the announcements. Most significant of all, babies and small children are now welcome to attend the first five minutes of the worship service.”