Burbank, CA — In a move that aims to please everyone, Disney studios has begun producing movies based on the model of the classic book series “Choose Your own Adventure” – but with a twist. Similarly, movie scripts will all begin with the same base story, followed by multiple branches and endings. But, all of the material will be filmed and then cut into multiple movies for different audiences; tailored to geography, religious affiliation, political leanings, gender orientation, and the contemporary zeitgeist.
Disney executives released this statement: “We are revolutionizing movies by eliminating a single vision in favor of the desires of the public. As such, films will be crowd-pleasers for each audience, just like God’s Not Dead was for white Protestant fundamentalist Christians.”
In preparation, Disney is beefing up their distribution system. They intend to make Movie Theater screening rooms “safe spaces” with data from Twitter trending topics. Dominant perspectives in “movie regions” will receive a greater share of the screens. For instance, because many people living in New York City want Elsa to be in a same-sex relationship for Frozen 2, those theaters will receive the most progressive LGBT version of the movie for night screenings and occupy most showing times. Other versions of the movie will be sequestered to the matinees on fewer screens and Texas.
Chairman and CEO of Disney, Robert A. Iger, told us, “We realized that we were losing out on profits by not making everyone happy. So, we decided to ride every possible wave of public support for future films. No obstacle is too large; just like Scarlett Johansson, we can white-wash anyone, or even make Tom Cruise look Chinese. Ultimately, we will be telling very complicated stories for our third remakes, or maybe not. It depends on which version you watch.”