Warner Robins, GA — Warner Robins Church of God has quadrupled in size over the past three months after initiating a rebranding campaign. The congregation, led by Chuck T. Mozier, labeled its morning worship service “retro” in an effort to increase enthusiasm without changing anything.
“Our church has remained the same through theological liberalism, the worship wars, and the emergent movement. I can proudly say that our services have remained the same since the church’s founding in 1973,” Mozier bragged. When asked how he came up with such clever marketing he responded, “I saw a kid dressed for prom in the exact same suit I wore in 1983. I figured if men’s fashion is cyclical then surely worship trends were as well.”
Mary Carter, one of the newest members of WRCoG, said, “I love how they embrace that old school style of Christianity. When we sang all three verses of “Bringing in the Sheaves” I knew I had found the church for me. I mean, they don’t even have wifi! It’s the coolest church I’ve ever been to.” The elders of the church released a statement in which they promised they “will preserve the sanctity of 1970’s American Christianity forever, regardless of how alienated from the community they become.”