In the interest of national security, the NSA has decided to implement a database for Americans who pretend they are Presbyterian. An unnamed source said, “Trump’s call for a Muslim database gave us a great idea. The real danger is people who pretend to be Presbyterians. This has been clearly revealed by the violence at Trump rallies, support from white supremacists, and his admiration for the Russian President.”
Trump’s claim to be Presbyterian has been questioned by his use of “Two Corinthians,” never asking for forgiveness, claiming to attend a Reformed Church in America (which he rarely attends), his preferably well-done steak, and his clean-shaven face.
Our source claims the code name for the database will be Worse Than Remonstrants (WTR). Americans that don’t meet the entire TULIP will be on the list. An ACLU spokeswoman said, “We will challenge the constitutionality of this database because of potential discrimination against Four-Point Calvinists.”