St. Joseph, AR –  Joe Waldron, President of Oneness Pentecostal Bible Institute, recently contracted the speech impeding disease laryngitis. This was immediately interpreted as a curse by the school’s student body newspaper, Tip of the Tongue, which is historically known for not being very articulate.

The news was devastating in light of the school’s slogan: “You aren’t a Christian unless you can speak in tongues.”

Staff healers at the institute attempted to cure his laryngitis, but the glossolalia still could not be manifested by the President. After this, they attempted the Mark 9:29 method, but there was no change in his condition.

In fear of their brand being sullied and losing financial support from local churches, the school had to either change their slogan or fire their president. They unanimously decided to go with the second option.

The board of directors released a statement: “It was a sad day to see our president let go. It is quite difficult to find a president who is saved, sanctified, holy ghost-filled, shekinah glory-enveloped, fluent in several prayer languages, Spirit slaying approved, hundred fold financially anointed, leader of a summer retreat in modalism, and knows all of Tim Lahaye’s Left Behind books by heart. And those are only our top 9 things we look for in a Christian. But, when you don’t speak in tongues, it is quite clear that you are a Christian imposter and tool of Satan. Clearly, our school cannot be led by such a person.”

After the debacle, we asked Joe what he was going to do for employment. He wrote to us: “Without holding a degree from a recognized and accredited school, I have many possible job prospects in other Pentecostal institutions and churches.”

By Justin Schwartz


 

Photo Credit: Peter Haden via Compfight cc

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