Washington, DC — This week, the Supreme Court heard arguments related to an owner of a kid’s lemonade stand who challenges the requirement to provide birth control for her employees. Hope, 7, runs the stand at the end of her driveway. Being a born leader and entrepreneur, she manages her 5 other friends. Due to their expansion to limeade and peach tea, she needed more help from her church’s Sunday school class and others from her neighborhood. Together the classmates use their funds to sponsor a child in Columbia through Compassion International.”
When asked about the case, Hope responded, “I don’t even know who Sex is. My parents still haven’t told me. But, I do know birth is awesome after my cat gave birth to kittens. I’m not stopping that.” Her neighbor Logan, 6, does not attend the church: “The ‘pill’ is what my mom calls me when I am fighting with my brother. I’m just happy to be here to help this child in need. I don’t know why my mom thinks my sister Emily needs birth control. She’s in 4th grade, but the jeggings mom buys for her are strange.”
At a recent press conference, we asked Jay Carney why the administration was pursuing the kids to the highest level. Carney explained, “Just like the latest U2 album, you get birth control whether you want it or not. If we lose this case, we will be working with local municipal water systems to add it to the supply.”
During oral arguments, Roberts asked the government’s counsel if the kids were a religious organization. “No way!” responded counsel. “They say Jesus loves the little children of the world, but this is a social service they are providing.” Breyer, who asks questions on both sides of the perspective, wanted to know if birth control was a fundamental, human right. The government explained, “Everything is a right: tablets, broadband internet, plastic surgery, sex changes, you name it.” Thomas spoke up, leaving the court in shock, “Are religious belief and freedom of conscience rights?” The government said “We think it is when a White House intern can corroborate the belief is true, honest, and consistent with the president’s goals.”
The Beckett Fund for Religious Freedom is representing Hope. They were unable to stop laughing to present their case.