St. Louis, MO — After an emergency congregational meeting was called to determine if their senior minister was fit for his duties, Archway Christian Church unanimously fired [retracted]. [Retracted]’s downfall came to pass because of his irresponsible use of Facebook to broadcast his opinion on a matter, an issue which has recently dogged many tech-savvy ministers since the rise of social media. On March 1, the first day of Lent, [retracted] posted on his Facebook wall that he would be giving up chocolate for Lent. In several hours, the post had amassed over 100 “sad face” emoticons and comments from congregants. The emergency meeting was then called to meet that night.
The overall feeling during the emergency meeting was that this wasn’t [retracted]’s first kerfuffle, and was at least his third strike. In the minutes of the meeting, multiple testimonies were taken from members and evidence was gathered. Ella Mae Shoemaker, long time attender and authoritative voice of Archway, said that “Once, during a communion mediation, the preacher said that the Lord’s Supper is a mystery. And that Jesus drank wine, not grape juice.” Secretary Judy Blair reported that “I found the Revised Common Lectionary in his desk while I was snooping around. His sermons have been following the lectionary schedule!” Elder Jim Budde also related that the preacher “Lit a candle during a sermon on Matthew 5. We only do that on Christmas Eve here.” Chairman of the elders, Shane Jackson, announced during the final verdict that “This behavior simply cannot be tolerated any longer. We are historically the opposite of anything dealing with Roman Catholicism.” Further, it was determined by an overwhelming majority vote that the pastor’s name was to be stricken from all church records and social media to protect all people from being contaminated with heresy.
In response to a request for an interview, [retracted] sent the following statement: “I flew too close to Roman Catholicism and got burned. Who will hire me now?”
By Russell Bob
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Port St. Lucie, FL — Ex-NFL quarterback and current minor league baseball player Tim Tebow recently announced to the world that he has converted to the Restoration Movement, a group of Christian Churches with roots in the early 19th century. After recording his first hit during a spring training game against the Miami Marlins, Tebow wrote “Acts 2:38” under his eyes instead of his famous usage of John 3:16 while a quarterback at the University of Florida. Sportscasters were confused when they saw 238 under his eyes, suggesting “on air” that Tebow was predicting his batting average in AA league this year.
During the post-game interview, reporters flocked to ask about the hit and why he had written Acts 2:38 under his eyes. Tebow attributed his ability to hit the baseball to his recent confession of faith in Christ and his immersion in the waters of baptism in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. In the crowded locker room, a player shouted, “How can we be saved?” With an inspiring sermon, Tebow told everyone in the audience to repent and be baptized for the forgiveness of their sins and the gift of the Holy Spirit. Further, he pointed out that he now renounced his past non-Christian life and use of John 3:16—“For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life.” He finished his sermon, saying that “Because it is only one part of Walter Scott’s five-finger exercise, John 3:16 has led many people to Hell. I’m ready to make Acts 2:38 the new John 3:16.” Immediately afterwards, everyone was baptized in the facilities’ ice baths, live on EPSN.
By John the Immerser
Williamstown, KY – Not to be left out in the midst of the plethora of reviews and alternative options to Rod Dreher’s The Benedict Option, Ken Ham has offered his own proposal. He calls it the “Ark Option.”
“In this society which has departed from God’s literal Word to embrace evolutionary theory and an old earth, young earth Christians will form communities in each state around an Ark,” explained Ham. “Not only is society falling to the falsehood of evolution, but the churches are too. In this time of crisis, we need to form Noahite communities to preserve us under the waves of the Darwinian flood.”
Utilizing public funds resulting in little economic impact for communities, Christians will live intentional lives together filled with work and order first building the ark and then tending to animals on the ark. Inspired by the recent plan to resurrect woolly mammoths, dinosaurs will be recreated to have two of each kind. For entertainment, community members will participate in prediluvian gladiatorial battles with dinosaurs to truly live out the biblical world.
Ham said, “We have given up trying to influence the scientific empire. Instead, we will stick to communities with dinosaurs.”
The Ark Communities hope to attract a more diverse community, because 6-year-old boys are the only ones yet to respond.
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On March 8th women celebrated International Women’s Day with rallies and A Day Without a Woman. This meant women stayed home from jobs, sometimes with employer permission, resulting in school closings in some locations. To further demonstrate the economic value of women, women were supposed to abstain from shopping.
Unforeseen to organizers of this event, and the previous Women’s March, men were also attracted to the idea of not working. Bob Farrar of Raleigh, NC explained, “I wanted to stay home from work too. What’s better than a vacation day? Not shopping on a vacation day!”
When Farrar explained to his supervisor he was observing the day, his supervisor baulked. “The Fire Chief wasn’t going to let me off, but I explained I was a woman,” said Farrar. “The Chief immediately said, ‘Oh, ok then, you can gladly take the day. I’m sure nothing will burn down.’”
Due to similar scenarios occurring all around the country, and no way to deny the identification of men based on biology, the government has designated March 8th, Human Day. (Men refer to it as Father’s Day II.)
Immediately following the announcement, PETA protested the day as speciesism. Next year squirrels are expecting a leisurely day not foraging for food.
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Knoxville, TN — Mass hysteria and riots have broken out in Bible Colleges across the country, lead by a large contingency of scholars and preachers of the Stone-Campbell Movement. In acts of protest, students have been ripping out the Old Testament pages from their Bibles and burning them, creating huge bonfires. On each campus, Koine Greek graffiti continues to spread at an alarming rate. Chants of “I am a New Testament Christian” can be heard everywhere. What could have caused such a response at these schools? The major source of ire of these protests has been identified as the upcoming Stone-Campbell Journal Conference.
Several years ago the conference was organized around the theme of the Septuagint, and this year the focus has turned to the Hebrew Bible. Many groups are furious that a second year’s conference is focusing on the Old Testament—again. Responses have varied. A group of church historians, the Alexandrians, are in an uproar over the focus on what they deem to be an inconsequential part of the Bible. Pacifists have been protesting on Twitter with the hashtags #Resist #Pray4SCJC & #NotMyConference. The Old Paths have responded by organizing a counter-conference within the conference proceedings; the parallel sessions have been filled with sermons focused on the New Covenant, where the Old Testament is only to be used as illustration material and never a main text. The Open Theists, in imitation of Abraham, are petitioning God to find good organizers of this year’s conference so that it can be saved from destruction.
We asked multiple Old Testament scholars that registered for the conference what they thought of the heated situation. All three of them will deliver the same speech they give every year to their governing boards on how the Old Testament should still be taught at their schools.
By Alexander Foster McGarvey
Knoxville, TN — Robert W. Funk, famous member of the Jesus Seminar, is being honored at his undergraduate school—Johnson University—12 years after his death. Within the Russell Preaching Center, dedicated to retired megachurch preacher Bob Russell, renovation and a dedication are happening to the building’s bathrooms. Soon to be revealed is a plaque that renames the bathrooms after Funk, along with exquisite mosaics of Jesus pictured as a king. These mosaics are made up of red, pink, gray, and black stones—a tip of the hat to the Jesus Seminar’s use of these colored beads to indicate the degree of authenticity of Jesus’ words in the Gospels. Further, when the lights are dimmed, these mosaics change to pictures of a fox.
But why has Johnson University taken so long to honor their most famous student? Vice President of operations, Joe Shmoe, told us: “We at Johnson have a brand built upon a conservative Stone-Campbell Movement stance. We always avoided Funk’s name being associated with the school for fear of it poisoning our reputation with a scholar that doubted that Jesus existed. But now, since we got rid of the cows and need to reassure the donors of our stance, we are going to take a big crap on his name. Over and over.”
In light of these plans, the philosophy department of Lincoln Christian University is in the process of installing and dedicating a scarecrow in honor of John W. Loftus among the landscaping so that students majoring in apologetics have a straw man to debate with on sunny days.
By Alexander Foster McGarvey
Seattle, WA — Liberals didn’t believe that Donald Trump would Make America Great Again, and they still don’t. But, for at least some, President Trump has made Leviticus great again.
Trump breathed new life into Leviticus for Mark Jones, a member of the United Church of Christ and a Clinton supporter. One of his conservative, Christian, co-workers says, “I would quote Leviticus on homosexuality when we debated gay marriage. He would always respond that Leviticus was not written by Moses, it’s just reflection of man’s search for God and not inspired, and it only applied to the culture of Israel, not to us in the 21st century. But, lately, Mark has been quoting Leviticus.”
Jones was searching for biblical passages to respond to Trump’s “Muslim ban,” and he found it in Leviticus: “There are passages about caring for foreigners. I have been citing them and other Old Testament passages to Christian Facebook friends that support the ban. I really love it when God’s Word speaks the political issues of our time.”
While researching the refugee issue, Jones was amazed at other passages that really speak to his personal beliefs: “Leviticus 19 affirms my views on uncooked meat, marred beards, and painful tattoos.”
Jones has also been showing others how Jesus was a refugee when his family fled to Egypt. He has yet to explain how he reconciles this with his previous position that Matthew and Luke fabricated the birth narratives, and the Egypt trip was simply to make Jesus look like a new Moses.
Under his leadership, Jones’s small group will be switching from weekly discussion of John Pavlovitz’s blog to the Historical Books of the Old Testament to learn the dangers of requesting a king.
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