- Patriarchal Period
- Antediluvian Patriarchy (except Eve had a good idea)
- Postdiluvian Patriarchy
- Patriarchal Patriarchy
- Egyptian Patriarchy
- Wilderness Patriarchy
- Conquest Patriarchy
- Judges Patriarchy (except Deborah)
- United Patriarchy
- Divided Patriarchy (except for Jezebel)
- Exilic Patriarchy
- Postexilic Patriarchy
- Intertestamental Patriarchy
- New Egalitarian Utopianism (except for all those male apostles)
- Mansplaining Period
- Anti-Nicene Mild Mansplaining
- Nicene and Post-Nicene Mansplaining
- Early Medieval Mansplaining
- Late Medieval Mansplaining
- Reformation Mansplaining (except for Elizabeth I)
- Modern Mansplaining
By Hughillustration (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0], via Wikimedia Commons
Eustis, FL – John Clark of Eastside Christian Church has requested that the church cease subscribing to the Christian Standard due to its liberal tendencies. Clark explained to the elders, “This publication spells words correctly unlike the Restoration Herald. There are nice graphics, stylistic layouts, and beautiful pictures. This is liberal, cultural accommodation if I have ever seen it. They even carry articles by recent authors.”
The elders decided to negotiate retaining the Lookout, and giving up the Standard, to silence Clark.
Clark was pleased with the decision: “I haven’t read the Standard in 10 years, but I know what they are up to. This a great move forward for our church.”
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Grayson, KY – An anonymous source, who was in the closed door discussions leading up to the merger announcement between Cincinnati Christian University (CCU) and Kentucky Christian University (KCU), reports the merger would have failed without Jim Estep. Dr. James Estep is Professor of Christian Education at Lincoln Christian University, but his three degrees from CCU, and his former Provost role at KCU, provided him with the unique ability to save the merger before it fell apart.
Our source says, “KCU administration was about to walk, so they called in Jim to mediate. They were on board within minutes. Jim said, ‘What if I can deliver on a Skyline Chili location being built right next to KCU’s campus?’”
For years many suspected Jim was one of the silent board members for Skyline: He has a brick from their original building. All the employees know his name. He knows how to clean a penny with the hot sauce. His gastrointestinal track is made of steel.
A few are not excited about the merger, but others have highlighted benefits for both schools including a higher literacy rate for Carter County.
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If I had a bowl of Skittles, and I told you three were…
- Trump’s positions he would change later, would you take a handful?
- Trump’s lies, would you take a handful?
- Trump’s missed opportunities to denounce white supremacist support, would you still take a handful?
- Trump’s wives, would you take handful?
- Trumps’s accolades for Vladimir Putin, would you take handful?
- Trumps’s failed business ventures, would you take handful?
- Trump’s legal cases, would you take handful?
That’s our Trump problem.
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Mason, OH — Available at a Bible College bookstore near you, the Christian Restoration Association (CRA) has released a newly revised translation of Alexander Campbell’s New Testament, otherwise known as The Living Oracles. Members of the translation committee include recently retired Bible college professors from across the United States, seeking to leave a legacy in the form of an updated translation for hundreds of people.
Features of the Revised Living Oracles (RLO) tailor-made for Bible College students and professors include a fresh translation of the Koine Greek words mathētḗs and baptízō. Mathētḗs is translated as “independent Christian,” in place of the traditionally used “disciple,” to avoid any confusion that the Disciples of Christ could be considered Christians. Baptízō is translated as “immersion,” following the example of Alexander Campbell, with special studies at every occurrence of the word to debunk sprinkling and pouring.
Most importantly, the entire book of Acts is printed in a bolded red font. Traditionally, the words of Jesus are printed in red, but as the head of the project told us, “the Gospels are part of the old dispensation and aren’t very important.”
Each school in the independent Christian churches will be able to customize different study editions of the text. For example:
- The Lincoln Bible Institute edition features notes by James Strauss. Striving for authenticity, they feature ramblings and incomplete sentences, and have completely filled in the margins of the pages.
- The Cincinnati Bible College edition features a special single book of the four gospels combined, The Life of Christ, as harmonized by R. C. Foster.
- The Kentucky Christian College edition comes in a special Large Print Sizemore and is divided into 13 handy sections.
- The Florida Christian College edition features references in the text by James E. Smith to a fabled book called the Old Testament.
- The Central Christian College of the Bible edition features all of Gareth Reese’s commentaries as study notes. To achieve portability, the volume will be printed on 5000 pages in size 6 font.
Finally, each special edition comes with a sleek double-sided poster: Side 1 is a blueprint for how to construct the church, printed in official school colors. Side 2 is a timeline of the Restoration Movement coming out of “the wilderness” for the purpose of door-to-door evangelism.
By Alexander Foster McGarvey
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Washington, DC — In a recent meeting held at the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C., Director Carla Hayden was stumped. She had just received a memo from an associate director with a request: “Ma’am, we are uncertain where to categorize this book.”
The book in question was the 2015 Directory of the Ministry: A Yearbook of Christian Churches and Churches of Christ. Upon initial consideration, it would have been filed under the Dewey Decimal classification of 286.6. 280 includes various religious denominations. But due to a recent protest at a football game from the sect’s PR group, “Restoration Herald,” the associate director thought it best to consult the Director as the Restoration Herald informed them in an open letter, “We are NOT a denomination.”
The Director plans to call the “Christian Churches and Churches of Christ” headquarters to inquire if a new Dewey Decimal class, “Non-denomination Denomination,” would suffice. Upon acceptance from the Non-denominational Denomination’s spokesperson, Rob Bussell, the new classification will be 1000.502.253.8000. The classification is convenient because the last 10-digits double as a phone number for the Non-denomination Denomination’s headquarters–a large church in Kentucky.
By Frank Sanders
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Kansas City, MO – Justin Roberts was having serious doubts about biblical inspiration and authority due to following the promises in Proverbs. He explained, “The Bible seemed like a waste of my time. I devoted so much time to its writings, and lived my life exactly like it instructs, but God was not living up to His word.”
Roberts found a number of promises not working out like he hoped: “I’ve avoided an adulteress, but the wife of my youth is still as bitter as gall. And what about blessings from being faithful? That didn’t work out. I lost my job. To make matters worse, I was tending my fig tree, and it was not providing any fruit.”
Even Roberts’ wife was starting to have doubts after their adult son started getting into legal trouble. “How can he be departing from the way he should go?” she said.
Thankfully, Roberts’ faith was restored by his friend sharing Proverbs 27:15-16 with him: “A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand” (NIV).
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