While America woke up on November 9th wondering what a world would look like under a president Trump, the NIV’s executive board had a different question to ponder—what should the Bible look like under a president Trump?
Recently, an online petition was created, demanding the church change the pronunciation of the books of the Bible from “first, second or third,” to “one, two or three.” In a response via email, petition organizer, Christifor Donald, told us the reason: “When our beloved president-to-be quoted from ‘Two Corinthians,’ the horrible Christian establishment slammed him as ignorant or stupid. SO MEAN. But poll after poll shows that ‘Two Corinthians’ is the real way to pronounce the book. We are simply asking that the church accept what everybody else already knows!”
It appears the petition worked. After an emergency session of the NIV’s executive board overnight, a statement was released to the public: “It is the duty of the church to remain culturally relevant. As such, upon further review, our team of scholars has concluded that the most natural way to read the names of the book is indeed the way Donald Trump has read them. We owe our new president a great deal of gratitude for pointing out this previously archaic tradition in our Biblical Scholarship.”
By Caleb Payne
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Oberlin, OH – Summer Babcock, senior at Oberlin College, decries the Christian privilege in higher education in the United States. “All of society is a safe space for Christians, especially college,” explained Babcock. “They have safe spaces with steeples on every corner. What do they have to be offended about? In contrast, we are constantly bombarded with offensive messages and triggering situations everywhere we turn. Have you seen the cultural appropriation in our cafeteria? Do you know they want students across the US to read poets who are white men? We can’t even skip class to pursue social activism without hurting our grades. I can’t even walk be the TV in the dorm lobby without being offended by SNL. It’s distressing. Can you believe I saw a Trump bumper sticker on campus the other day? I was so triggered I couldn’t eat or go to class the next day.”
Babcock did highlight some occasional, positive aspects of her education: learning about Peter Singer’s argument for infanticide, watching the film Kinsey in class, reading Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens to learn how stupid Christians are, participating in #shoutyourabortion on Twitter with her dorm, being referred to as “ze” in class, and learning Jesus was a gay man who married Mary Magdalene.
While interviewing Babcock, we invited Kelsey Wright, a conservative Christian, to offer her perspective. When asked if she felt college was a safe space, she glanced at Babcock’s shirt which displayed the unofficial Planned Parenthood slogan “Don’t F—k With Us; Don’t F—k Without Us,” and said, “Jesus said, ‘If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you.’”
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New Orleans, LA — Local Bald Prophet reporter Justin the Theologian discovers the real reason Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt.
After worshipping with the Antiochene Orthodox community for several weeks, I was invited to join a secret group of young men that met in the church’s basement. At first, we were led by the priest in a masterclass for making and carving soap into icons, along with the study of Orthodox dogma. But, after being deemed worthy after explaining the Origenist Controversy and reciting the Creed minus the Filioque, it was revealed to attendees that these activities were merely a front for something greater—‘Neophyte Club.’ Those who sought membership lived together in an intentional community in a rundown home, where they committed obedience to a mysterious black hooded master and trained in Hesychast prayer postures.
After members graduated to the status of monk, the hooded figure revealed himself to be the movie star the Blessed Brad Pitt—with a divinely inspired beard. Ultimately, Pitt wishes to train neophytes to become monks skilled in the ways of Order Kombat and execute Fallacy Fatalities.
In an inspiring homily on the passage, “You must be in the world but not of it,” Pitt revealed that Angelina Jolie did not want their children to be involved in the strange world of Orthodoxy, after she sought help from Katie Holmes, who left Tom Cruise due to his involvement in Scientology. We were also told that Holy Father Edward Norton would be filling in during Pitt’s absences while in court. I fear this entire arrangement is actually ‘The Real World: Orthodox Edition.’
Initiates were also forced to remember the rules of Neophyte Club, in Greek:
- Sing to everyone about Neophyte Club in the style of the liturgy of St. James. Repeatedly.
- Make sure everyone feels inferior to you doctrinally.
- Hate St. Augustine of Hippo with every fiber of your being.
- Be easily incensed.
- Party like it’s AD 549.
By Justin the Theologian
Athens, GA – Local Southern Baptist, Wayne Peters, was disappointed that the recent proposal to ban the burqa was withdrawn. “You know, we shouldn’t let people walk around with their faces covered,” said Peters in full Georgia Bulldogs face paint with a cross tattooed on his forearm. “It makes it hard to identify people. It’s scary and strange. It just don’t look right. It just ain’t right.”
When asked how he reconciled the Baptist position on religious liberty, with his position, he replied, “Well, bless your heart. That’s different. American religious liberty isn’t for all religions, just the ones we like. You know, ‘I don’t like France much,’ as momma used to say, but they really have some good ideas on this. Their ban has really worked out well for them.”
Peters’ views were not changed by the examples of French bans on nativity scenes. Peters told us he plans to spend his holiday season boycotting Starbucks for its cups, malls that ban nativity scenes, and protesting at schools that ban performances of nativity plays.
Further conversation with Peters was stifled by his Cherry Bomb Glasspacks.
By The Bald Prophet and Eddy Sanders
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Sarasota, FL – Martin Sweet, 39, has been a Republican all his life. “Even before he could vote, he watched the debates and was a convinced Republican,” said his mom, Kathy. “Once he could vote, he always voted Republican. Have you seen Family Ties? He was the Alex Keaton in our family of Democrats.”
This year, Sweet stuck with his party loyalties and voted for Trump, even in the primaries. He was convinced that he would “Make American Great Again.”
His father, Lewis, was originally dismayed by his Trump support, and ultimate win, but now he sees some positives in Martin’s views: “It’s really strange. He never supported Paid Family Leave, parts of Obamacare, pro-choice state laws, transgender people using the restroom they choose, and the Obergefell decision, but he does now, because Trump does.”
“Republicans attacking Trump are sore losers,” said Sweet. “He has really great ideas, the best ideas. No one thought of these ideas before.”
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Mobile, AL – Editors of Logician Magazine have graced their front cover with ‘Hasty Generalization: 2016 Fallacy of the Year.’ Senior Editor, Prudence Jones, explained, “This fallacy is always popular, but it took the lead in an election year.”
From their lead article, the editors included these common examples.
- All Democrats are crybabies.
- All White evangelicals are racists.
- All Democrats don’t work.
- All Trump voters are bigots.
- All Democrats go low when they say they go high.
- Everything Trump says is a lie.
- Everything Clinton says is a lie.
“Next year we hope to revive the slippery slope,” said Jones. “We hadn’t highlighted it since 2013 after Obama’s 2012 win. We are pretty sure we will be able to put it on the cover in 2018.”
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Murfreesboro, TN — For many generations there has been an unquestioned and uncompromising slandering of Stone-Campbell congregations and Christians by the state’s local Southern Baptists. This dates back prior to the Civil War, when a family feud was touched off by the evangelization and rebaptism of multiple kinsmen in a historically Baptist area by Stone-Campbell preachers from a neighboring county. Since that day, the term “Campbellite” has been used by individuals as a term of disgust and hatred, the worst of all swear words. What’s more, Baptists have historically refused to set foot at the local Philips 66, boycotted cane sugar, and banned all coonskin caps (despite their love of Davey Crockett). Yet, very recently, “Campbellite” has become a buzz word and rapprochement has been reached among the churches. What is the source of this sudden and complete change of heart?
Behind this transformation, the hero for ecumenism is Campbell Lite Soup. Due to the many potlucks taking place in the area’s Baptist congregations over the years, every church member age 40 and above acquired hypertension and diabetes—to the complete and utter shock of everyone. Doctors recommended that their patients try the Campbell Lite Soup diet, with many people reporting successful health turn arounds. Contrary to dogmatic opposition, Campbell Lite Soup was more than an outward sign of inward grace; it led to a regeneration of their inner selves. Many patients simply told us, “I saw the lite.”
Now, within county lines, many people speak the words “Campbell Lite” with joy in their voices and faces, an inaudible difference to the once negative term “Campbellite” in the local dialect. Visible unity between the churches can now be witnessed as both Baptists and Stone-Campbellites collect soup labels for their local school fundraisers and have created a new business venture for joint missions, “Raccoon John Smith Caps.”
When asked his view on the situation, local Stone-Campbell preacher Barton Scott told us, “We knew this day would eventually come. Due to their views on baptism, we’ve been saying Baptists were just Campbell-lights for years.”
By Alexander Foster McGarvey
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