Jacksonville, FL – This fall, the Robert E. Webber Institute for Worship Studies (IWS) is offering DWS 705 Stained Glass Drum Shield Fabrication as part of its Doctor of Worship Studies (DWS) Program. Expert craftsmen will be brought in to train the apprentices. Students will be able to take the shields back to their congregations for the purpose of church renewal.
Genilyn McCaffrey, DWS graduate of IWS, commented on the new course: “I wish they had this class when I was in the program. It is the perfect intersection of arts and worship. Bob Webber would be proud of these Ancient-Future shields.”
President Dr. James R. Hart indicated that if this course proves successful, other courses on fabrication of incense drum sticks and mosaic-covered drum risers will follow.
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In a move straight out of a prophet’s playbook, supporters of the Restoration Herald (RH) sent a male streaker to disrupt Cincinnati Christian University’s inaugural football game against Union. The streaker, with ‘Strip CCU of Football’ painted across his chest, ran across the field early in the second quarter. RH members immediately took to print to claim responsibility for the incident. Their response is expected to hit mailboxes by next Tuesday.
In a twist of irony, the streaker distracted Union’s defense, allowing CCU’s running back Joe McKerns to score the school’s first ever touchdown. In an interview at halftime, McKerns said, “It all was happening behind us, so we didn’t even know about it until we were celebrating the touchdown. But hey, we didn’t even think we’d score today, so we’ll take it any way we can get it.”
When videos of the incident that were posted on Twitter by CCU students went viral, ESPN shared the post and is expected to share it on tonight’s edition of Sports Center. A source close to ESPN also mentioned that executives with the network were considering using a photo of the incident for its popular “ESPN The Body” issue, further cementing CCU’s reputation as an upper tier party school.
By Dustin Fulton
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Tulsa, OK – Admissions officers at Tulsa Christian College recently discovered the long-lost academic catalog for their institution. They found it while scouring the rubble left behind following the tragic death of the Registrar’s Office staff due to a devastating tornado that leveled the area.
One of the admissions counselors, Hilkiah Black, stumbled upon the Sacred Book of the Academic Laws after rescuers had cleared the area. He presented it to Shaphan Wright, the Director of Admissions, who presented it to the Vice President of Enrollment, Josiah Melek. After the VP tore his clothes, he read the holy catalog to the admissions officers.
Following the reading, Hilkiah said, “I never knew we had that program. This is really exciting. I have to tell people about this opportunity.” Shaphan exclaimed, “I am amazed by the amount of useful information in this book! So many of my questions are answered.”
Josiah then declared that they would celebrate the yearly release of the new catalog, which had not been celebrated since the days of the Vice Presidents. During the celebration, admissions will renew its covenant by requiring official transcripts.
Photo Credit: Julius Schnorr von Carolsfeld (1794-1872) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
Due to an E. coli outbreak in the leading shredded mozzarella cheese manufacturer in the country, US pizza places are unable to make pizzas. Youth ministers around the country are in complete panic over how to lead their ministries during the shortage.
“This was already creating a dire situation,” explained Tony Clark, Youth Minister at Faith Community Church in Scranton, PA. “What were we going to do to bring in the kids? How are we going to do ministry? To make matters even worse, PepsiCo has stopped making Mountain Dew. How are we going to keep the excitement level up?!”
In a horrible convergence, the FDA, following the lead of European countries, banned the use of Yellow dye #5 due adverse male side effects. With no Mountain Dew, some youth ministers are wondering what they will use to keep the male hormones at bay during co-ed small group discussions and swim outings.
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Atlanta, GA – This year Stryper celebrates the 30 year anniversary of their album To Hell With the Devil with a new tour. The tour kicks off in Atlanta on September 29th.
Due to the aging band members and fans, the concert will take an intermission for concertgoers to use the restroom, and more critically, have their necks attended to by masseuses and chiropractors. Icy Hot and ibuprofen will be on hand at the concession area, and, for more serious cases, doctors will be available to dispense muscle relaxants.
“We are really concerned about our fans, and want to care for them, since they are not as young as they used to be,” explained Michael Sweet. “We will even offer further services after the show during the autograph time.”
It is reported that the new service will be called “The Neck and Back Attack.”
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Miami, FL – Miami Christian College has found success with enrolling female students this new school year by making their campus the filming location for the new reality tv show “The Bachelor: Christian Edition.” Participants on the show are drawn from the pool of enrolled students and filming will take place during the semesters. Instead of the usual mansion, the producers are using the campus and dorms for an authentic Christian courtship environment. The show will be hosted by famed author of “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” Joshua Harris.
Mark Driscoll, new president of the school, told us that he was simply leveraging the school’s strengths. “Move-in day and the ensuing semester are essentially The Bachelor already. Why not call it what it is and make some money? I know what I’m doing. I cracked the top 10 list of books for The New York Times Best Sellers.”
The school continues to be on the cutting edge of the changing Christian college environment since hiring blogger Matt Walsh as the head of the marketing department. They are further rebranding to go along with The Bachelor, advertising with the taglines “Ring by Spring” and “Smoking Hot Wife,” and offering bachelor degrees.*** The board of trustees is also considering adding a football team to the school if the TV show does not lead to increased male student enrollment.
***After graduation from Miami Christian College, you may become the bachelor and receive a degree recognizing this, but it will not be a bachelor’s of arts or science recognized by another institution.
By Justin Schwartz
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In a call to fix the straying ways of their alma maters, a group of older Christian Church preachers from around the country have posted a protest document to the chapel doors of their respective schools.
Bill Reed, graduate of Atlantic Christian College (now Point University), explained, “We came up with these 95 theses so we can reform the Bible College Movement. The schools have left the straight and narrow road.”
This sampling of theses provides a sense of the group’s perspective.
- Accreditation causes our schools to become liberal. In our day, we didn’t need accreditation. We received apostolic succession through Alexander Campbell and J. W. McGarvey.
- The beards have gotten completely out of hand. Back when we were in college the only person on campus who had a beard was Molly Fullerton, but I heard she wound up being a fine church secretary.
- Professors are requiring liberal textbooks published by Baker and Zondervan. In our day, we only used books from College Press or Standard.
- Liberalism is caused by a comfortable environment. When we were in school, we kept the faith once delivered to the saints because of our lack of air conditioning and heat, drinking cheap Folgers coffee, and eating gruel in the cafeteria.
- Colleges are teaching way too much math and science. Back then we didn’t need math to graduate. Heck, we didn’t even know how to balance our checkbooks. We just trusted in the Lord for such trivial things. Our only science book was Genesis 1-3.
When asked if the document could be improved, a graduate of Cincinnati Bible Seminary (now Cincinnati Christian University) said, “No. We really worked hard on this during the editing process. For example, we were going to point out that back then we actually prayed in the prayer room instead of doing other things, but we realized it wasn’t true.”
The response from the schools has been muted due to the message being transmitted in a format that cannot be read on electronic devices.
By Dustin Fulton and The Bald Prophet
Photo Credit: [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons