Last week, the US experienced a large cyberattack that left all porn sites fully functional. The DDoS, or distributed denial-of-service attack, affected various services and websites such as Twitter, Netflix, and Spotify. Officials are trying to determine the source behind the attack.
One official said, “We have eliminated radical hacker groups comprising female college students, since they would never disrupt Netflix to work on their homework. Russia or China look promising.”
“I’m confident it is Russia,” said one cybersecurity expert reflecting the consensus opinion. “Just as the Russians didn’t ban imports of vodka and baby formula, they will not interfere with access to porn.”
Verification is still required, but the attack appears to have left Russian mail-order bride and Russian Orthodox Church websites fully functional. Greek and Antiochian Orthodox Churches were unreachable.
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Virginia Beach, VA – Today the Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murphy, announced that the nation’s health has increased dramatically in the past two years. “Heart attacks, strokes, depression, and the use of statins and blood pressure medication are all down,” explained Dr. Murphy. “It took us a while to find the cause, since there were no statistical changes in eating habits, but we isolated one source.”
That source is Martin Reed. Reed is an avid runner who posts every run from his running app on Facebook with an added sweaty selfie showing his short shorts or tights, depending on the season. He started a movement. All of his friends were inspired by the runs and began running and posting their runs to social media. Running spread exponentially.
Charles, one of Reed’s friends, said, “After I saw his runs every day in my feed, I was convicted to subscribe to Runner’s World, get evaluated for some Brooks shoes, and get out there. The posts weren’t annoying at all. I actually hate running and soccer. The nipple chafing is rough, but the power of social media overwhelmed me.”
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Hiram, OH — “Phenomenology and the Restoration Movement” is a new class being offered by Dr. Kan Shu Sness at James Garfield University. The class is based in the pioneering work of Roger Waters, a forgotten New Zealand Church of Christ phenomenologist from the turn of the 20th century. Recently rediscovered by Dr. Sness, Rogers placed the pleas of the Restoration Movement on the firm foundationalism of Edmund Husserl’s phenomenology, replacing the outdated philosophy of John Locke and Thomas Reid in the 19th century reformers. Dr. Sness believes that Waters’ work will usher in a revolution in Stone-Campbell Movement circles.
In the class’ introductory lecture, Dr. Sness discussed Roger Waters manifesto, entitled “We Don’t Need No Education: Being-Towards-Restoration.” In this document, a first grader is upheld as the example of the best reader of the Bible because of a lack of baggage and a new acquaintance with the task of reading. “To read the Bible like a child,” Waters wrote, “the Husserlian eidetic reduction must be applied to the experience of reading the Bible—along with the strict use of reason and common sense—if the Restoration Movement’s classic call to return to the ancient order of things is to be achieved.” Waters continues, “If you are to read the Bible like you have never read it before, then you must perform the epoché and bracket out everything you’ve ever read. Bracket out all of your traditions. Bracket out how to read. Bracket out your use of language. Strive to read the Bible like the pages are just black marks on a white background. This is the final brick in the wall we must hurdle. Simply bracket out everything you’ve ever experienced and you’ll reach the essence of the Bible. ‘To the Bible itself!’ After these reductions, we can all agree on the content of the Bible and live out Jesus’ prayer from John 17.”
Dr. Kan Shu Sness lamented that “No one else has taken the principles of the Restoration Movement to their logical conclusion in such a forceful way as Roger Waters. He realized that most Disciples of Christ were comfortably numb with their readings of the Bible and he wanted to wake the Churches of Christ from their dogmatic slumber. The man was a genius. It would have been great to work with him . . . I wish he was here.”
Sadly, after his breakthrough essay and attempts at reforming the 19th century reformation, Waters had a bad breakup with his fellow Campbellites and quit writing philosophy; instead, he decided to only write instrumental music in spite of his a capella brethren. He believed that arguing with Restoration Movement fundamentalists for years simply wasn’t worth the effort.
For interested parties, future lectures in “Phenomenology and the Restoration Movement” include:
- What are the essential structures that allow us to read the Bible?
- To the Church of Christ itself!
- Adumbration applied to the gravestones of Restoration Movement leaders.
- The Transcendental Ego of Alexander Campbell.
- Churches of Christ and the bracketing out of instruments.
By Alexander Foster McGarvey
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New York, NY — Citing a similarity in Twitter accuracy and polarizing comments, Eric Metaxas claims that God is calling him to run Donald Trump’s account once Trump becomes POTUS, something God told him would happen.
Metaxas explained, “God is not duped by issues or people I don’t agree with. It’s amazing how my thoughts and His thoughts are so similar and that He conveys them to me personally. As Scripture says, ‘For His thoughts are my thoughts, and my ways are His ways.”
He continued, “My research on Bonhoeffer also influenced my decision. He once said, ‘Not to tweet for two leaders is to tweet for one of them.’”
Social media analysts believe that Metaxas will be the perfect pick for Trump. One stated, “He is really good with tweeting things that are not carefully considered and deleting them later.”
By Dustin Fulton and The Bald Prophet
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Kokomo, IN — Sarah Thompson, a sophomore at Indiana Christian College, has made a revolutionary discovery in the field of literary criticism. In an analytical paper written to complete an assignment for her online Introduction to Literature class, Thompson argued that Robert Frost’s poem “The Road Not Taken,” can “kind of be seen as being about being a Christian and taking the road that no one else does,” she said. “You know, the narrow path. And how that makes all the difference. I know that’s been true in my life.”
Asked how she was able to come up with an interpretation unlike any other reported in any scholarly journal since the publication of the iconic American poem in 1916, Thompson explained, “I don’t know. I had to turn the paper in by midnight, and I hadn’t had a chance to work on it because of classes and work and stuff, so I sat down after dinner and just began to write. When it came to me, it all just made sense!”
Asked if she has plans for any future groundbreaking research, Thompson said she wasn’t sure. “My next assignment due is for my philosophy class. That class is really hard. I’m thinking about writing about how that story about the man in the cave by the fire could be symbolic of Jonah in the whale. Or maybe like Paul saying we see as through a glass darkly. Either way, I think that will be a good paper.”
As of press time, Thompson’s English paper had not yet been returned so she was unable to report what her professor thinks of her discovery.
By Karen Swallow Prior, author of Fierce Convictions
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Your Car Dashboard — The principle “lex radio, lex credendi,” loosely translated as “radio leads to theology,” has brought about a stunning development in Evangelical Christian theology for middle-class white women. Radio stations across the country have overplayed their “station identifications,” which all have been programmed to “sing” the phrase “Faith, hope, family” along to a catchy theme. This has led to the development of doctrine and change in women’s study bibles, small group materials, and devotionals. The theological virtue of love, classically translated as charity, has been eliminated in favor of the term “family” in 1 Corinthians 13:13—“And now faith, hope, and family abide, these three; and the greatest of these is family.” This development has been strongly endorsed by James Dobson and Focus on the Family, who believe that this clears up the fact that love can only take place within a familial relationship. Dr. Dobson said, “We are slowly, but surely, winning the culture wars. We are going to make this country ‘family friendly’ again, even if we have to change two thousand years of Scripture and Christian doctrine to do it.”
By Justin Schwartz
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Morton, IL – Members of Josh Wright’s small group planned an intervention to deal with his addiction to pumpkin spice. Member of the group, Grace Jones, expressed real concern for his condition: “It’s gone too far. He carries a small container of McCormick’s Pumpkin Pie Spice in his pocket. He specifically excuses himself to the restroom with his coffee to add more, not just at our house, but at church too.”
“When we run together his sweat smells like nutmeg and cinnamon,” said Grace’s husband, Joe. “It’s kind of pleasant, but he must be at high levels of toxicity.”
Josh’s wife, Sarah, was really concerned about him during the Morton Pumpkin Festival: “During the 4-day event he didn’t even come home. I am not even sure where he slept most of the time. I know he was in a park one night, because Grace saw him sleeping on a bench with his face on a pie.”
After the festival, the group felt like Josh would listen after hitting rock bottom. Josh explained, “I am thankful that my friends, and Christian brothers and sisters, helped me to see this idol controlling my life and interfering with my relationship with God and others. I feel so free now. I was able to focus on other ice creams at the store today. Do you know they have eggnog ice cream?! I have also heard there is an eggnog coffee!”
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